NARRATOR
Are you sitting comfortably, then we’ll begin.

OPENING MUSIC - BARKING TO DEPTFORD

BILL DAVE CARL
Fill up the van and turn the key.
Will she start - no guarantee
All for one and one for three
Driving from Barking to Deptford

NARRATOR
Men With Ven: Driving from Barking to Deptford.
Chapter 1 The Spotted Dog.

Life is largely violence filth and death and drink and...
Oh... and finding a parking space for your van.

INT VAN: AFTERNOON

BILL
Dave

CARL
Dave

BILL
(Louder) Dave!

CARL
(Louder) Dave!

BILL & CARL
DAVE!

DAVE
What?

CARL
Parking space.

DAVE
Where?
B
ILL
There,

DAVE
Where?

BILL
Across from The Abbey.

DAVE (irritated)
Alright! I saw it. I’m not an idiot y’know Bill.

BILL (SARCASTIC)
You’re not?

DAVE (Hurt)
No Bill, I’m not.
(Gap... Sound of van parking)

DAVE (cont)...
I always get a funny feeling when we drive past the Abbey. Kind of spooky innit?

CARL
I’m not surprised.
Some terrible things have happened over there.

BILL
Like what?

CARL
Vikings

DAVE
Vikings?

CARL
Yeah, Vikings!
You know that phrase:
“That curry went through me like a Viking in a nunnery?”

BILL
No.

CARL
Well that’s where it came from.

DAVE
Are you having us on Carl?

CARL
No.. You can....

SONG “GOOGLE IT”

CARL
Google it! Google it!
All you gotta do is Google it.
Anything you want or really need to know.
Any place in the world that you ever want to go.
All you gotta do is -
Google It.

The nunnery at Barking Abbey was formed in the year 666.
They really should have known better than to build a place of holy worship in the year that relates to the number of the beast, as was proven when The Vikings paid Barking a visit a few years later.
Isn’t that interesting?

DAVE
Err... Not really Carl.

BILL
Oh Carl...

CARL
Yeah?

BILL
Pub?

CARL
(Disappointed)
Oh

DAVE
I should co-co.

CARL
(Resigned)
Alright, lets do it.

They exit the van and walk down the street

CARL
D’j’Y’reckon Ethel will be on today?

Dave & Bill groan

INT: SPOTTED DOG PUB BARKING

SFX - typical pub. Voices, gaming machines, clinking glasses, the television.

ETHEL
Viv.... Viv...

VIV
(wheeze) Yeah,

ETHEL
Are you listening?

VIV
Yeah Ethel of course... you were saying?

ETHEL
It has never been easy for a woman to run a business in these parts.

VIV
(mutter wheeze)
No...no...never....

ETHEL
Here I am trying keep peace between the punters.
Doing battle with the brewery.
Under siege from the taxman and in a full blown thousand year war with that greedy land grabber Frieda Fortune.
We hear snoring coming from Viv.

ETHEL
Viv? Viv? Viv?
Are you asleep again?

ETHEL
Wake up Viv!

VIV
(snoring)
Er...ah... thousand years... (snuffle snore)

VIV
Where’s my pint?

ETHEL
I don’t know why I bother.
I was trying to tell you something...
Hold on - Here they are.

SFX: New Customers enter pub - noise rises.

ETHEL
Bill, Dave,
(Softer tone)
Oh, Carl... (collects herself)
What you skivers doing here?

CARL
Errr… umm… we…

DAVE
Business lunch, Eth.

BILL
Is it?

ETHEL
Usual?

DAVE
Put it on Carl's tab, Ethel.

CARL
Do What?

ETHEL
This is Essex Dave and I know you.
Cash up front.

VIV
Oy. What’s going on?

ETHEL, DAVE, BILL AND CARL
Wake up, Viv!

SFX: Change falling from Carl’s pocket

DAVE
Is that all the money you've got, Carl?

ETHEL
Some business lunch!
Right bunch of bankers ani’t ya?

DAVE
I don’t suppose you could entrust us with us some cash could ya Viv?

VIV
I don’t do magic tricks no more Dave.

ETHEL
Have you three got anything you're any good at?

DAVE
Any good at?
Us?
Do you know who you're talking about?
We're the Musketeers of Mayesbrook.
The Wonders of West Ham.
We can do anything.

BILL
You name it.

DAVE
(To the Lionel Bart tune)
We'd do anything for you, Eth.
Anything...

ETHEL
Oh yeah?
Die for me would you?

CARL
I would.

ETHEL
Y’know Carl, I believe you would.

VIV
I see you boys in here nearly every day.
Trading bits of old tat.
Messing about.
Having a laugh.
What exactly do you do for a living?

SONG: I CAN DO THAT

DAVE
Well... I've been know to do some painting,

BILL
Decorating,

CARL
Bricklaying

DAVE
Dog training

BILL
And Wedding DJing..

CARL
Welding,

DAVE
Gelding,

BILL
Fencing

CARL
I've even carried stuff for Sherpa Tenzing

BILL
I've been a farmer, a snake charmer

CARL
Bill wrote a lesson for the Dalai Lama

BILL
Carl's qualified in cod psychology

DAVE
And I can turn my hand to gynecology.

BILL, DAVE & CARL
A butcher, a baker.

BILL
A candlestick maker.
An overachiever as an undertaker

CARL
Personal services, assisted showers

BILL
Fact creation

DAVE & CARL
24 hours.
BILL
A little bit of this
A little bit of that
I don't charge much
And I won't charge VAT
Tell me what you want and I'll change me hat

DAVE & CARL
I've been there, I've done it

BILL
I tell ya...
I can do that

DAVE & CARL
A little bit of this
A little bit of that

BILL
I don't charge much
And I won't charge VAT

DAVE & CARL
Won’t charge VAT

BILL
Tell me what you want and I'll change me hat

DAVE & CARL
I've been there, I've done it

BILL
I tell ya...
I can do that

CARL
Now rumour has it that times are hard
But I say:
It's simple economic theory
Like that bloke Milton Keynes says:
“Something'll turn up”

But my ultimate ambition
What I want to do most of all
Is to do nothing at all
Like our good friend Matt Percival

BILL
I can do that.

SFX: Viv snoring

WHOLE PUB
Wake up, Viv !

INT: FRIEDA'S OFFICE/TORTURE CHAMBER BERMONDSEY

SFX: Echoing dungeon type sounds. Dripping water, clanking chains, low rumble.

BARRY THE BURGLAR
Frieda?
Where am I?

FRIEDA
Barry?
Back in the land of the living are we?
I trust you enjoyed your little rest.

BARRY THE BURGLAR
What do you want?

FRIEDA
What do you think I want? You are Barry the Burglar, you burgle things. It’s your trade, it’s what you do, your brand. Your U.S.P. if you will.

BARRY THE BURGLAR
Unique Selling Point?

FRIEDA
Useless Stupid Plonker more like.
Now Barry, we had an agreement.
Please do not insult my intelligence.
Oddman, flick the switch.

ODDMAN
Grrrrrr....

SFX - Sound of electricity &screams

BARRY THE BURGLAR
AAArgh!

FRIEDA
No, dear, it’s more like Aaargh!

SFX - More electricity

BARRY THE BURGLAR
Aarrrghhhh!

FRIEDA
Better.

SFX - The electricity fades and quietly Frieda says...

FRIEDA
Barry, Barry, Barry.
You’ve let me down, you’ve let yourself down but most importantly, you’ve let me down.

So Barry - The Charter - Where is it??
(More electricity and screams fading into pub sounds)

INT: THE SPOTTED DOG PUB - AT A TABLE IN CORNER

DAVE
Your round, Carl.

CARL
But wasn't it…

BILL
Your round, Carl.
We hear the TV in the corner of the pub

TV ANNOUNCER
(voice fades up)
...as the enquiry into the proposed multimillion
pound rejuvenation project along Longbridge Road in
Barking.

DAVE
Another shopping centre.

BILL
Next to the other bloody shopping centre.

TV ANNOUNCER
...will be presenting the The Royal Charter signed by William the Conqueror, at the next council meeting. The document protects the right to brew and purvey beer on the premises in perpetuity.

CARL
Hush up. This is interesting.
SSSSSShhhhhhh.....

TV ANNOUNCER
...Frieda Fortune of Asgaard Developments claims The Charter does not exist, stating that even if it did, it would not be worth the vellum it's written on.

DAVE
Someone is making a few bob.

BILL
What’s that got to do with the pub?

CARL
Hold on, I'll…

SONG - GOOGLE IT!

CARL
Google it! Google it!
All you gotta do is Google it.

Right it says here:
A royal charter is a formal document issued by a monarch, granting a right or power to an individual in perpetuity.

Which means if Ethel shows it to the planning committee she gets to run The Spotted Dog forever!

... Now isn't that interesting?

DAVE
Err... Not really Carl.

BILL
Oh Carl?

CARL
Yeah?

DAVE AND BILL
Your round.

INT: FRIEDA'S OFFICE/TORTURE CHAMBER BERMONDSEY
Barry the Burglar is moaning quietly in the background.
(More electricity and screams)

BARRY THE BURGLAR
Ahgggh... Please can you stop!

FRIEDA
I thought I’d made myself clear Barry. Now stop playing silly buggers or we will cease getting on like a house on fire and, instead Oddman will set fire to your house with your kids in it.

BARRY THE BURGLAR
Not my family. Please leave my family out of it!

FRIEDA
Your family is in it.
Oddman you’ve got Barry’s address?

ODDMAN
Yrrrr....

BARRY THE BURGLAR
It was... I can’t really... I don’t…
(more electricity more intense screaming)

FRIEDA
Now.. Take a moment. Calm down. Relax.
Spell it out for me Barry!!
The Charter.
Where is it?
The one giving rights to Ethel to serve alcohol in The Spotted Dog forever and ever amen.
And please don’t say you don’t know what I mean.

As Barry tells his story as the music for “THE POWER OF THE CONGA” rises from a low filter to it’s full Congaring glory.

BARRY THE BURGLAR
Alright, alright!

Barry composes himself, His speech is underscored by “The Power Of The Conga”

BARRY THE BURGLAR
It was so strange Frieda.
I was going to do the job like you asked.
So very easy.
Simple alarm system, cut through the glass, into the bag, bag in the van, set the Satnav, off to Bermondsey.

But it was early so I thought -
“Just one pint...”
Steady the nerves.
Do know What I mean?

FRIEDA
Oh I do Barry, I do, please go on.

BARRY
But then the music started.
A rhythm I couldn't resist.
I wanted to dance.
I could not stop myself.
The whole pub was doing it.
Going round and round and round and round until we were dizzy.

CROWD
The Power of The Conga
Everybody Conga
Overland and over sea

BARRY THE BURGLAR
We became one.
I was the crowd.
The crowd was me.
It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

I don’t know how long it went on for.
Minutes? Hours? Days?
I do not know.
It was like we stepped outside of time.

But even then I knew what I had to do.
I would not betray you Frieda.
I would never do that.
You know this to be true.

But you know what how The Conga is.
It has the power Frieda.
Beautiful power.
It has the power.

FRIEDA
It may have the power Barry but I have got the power switch.

SFX: Horrible frying sounds. Screaming followed by a soft gurgling and Barry’s final breath.

FRIEDA
Oddman - Go pay Barry’s family a visit.
You don’t want to see that type breed.

ODDMAN
Mrrr.... Grrrr....

FRIEDA (to herself)
Now, who can we persuade who's got a van, isn't that bright and has no conscience?
Hmm?

EXT: SPOTTED DOG PUB BARKING
We hear Dave’s ringtone.

DAVE
Sorry lads I’ve got to take this outside

We hear Dave go outside

FRIEDA (ON THE PHONE)
Dave.

DAVE
Frieda?

FRIEDA
How's your day going my sweetie?

DAVE
It’s umm .. Errr...

FRIEDA
Lovely.
I'm in my kitchen cooking up a few ideas.
Lots of fingers in lots of pies, as usual.

DAVE
Whose fingers?

FRIEDA (V.O.)
I’m here with my friend Oddman.
You remember Oddman don’t you?

ODDMAN (in background)
Nrrrr...

DAVE
No. err… yeah… err?

FRIEDA
Remember that little favour I did for you?

DAVE
Mmm..

FRIEDA
That itsy-bitsy little thing I sorted that Bill and Carl didn’t know nothing about?

DAVE
Yeah... But you said...

FRIEDA
I believe what I said was that one day you would gladly repay the very generous courtesy that I bestowed upon your lowly self when you were in your hour of need Dave.

DAVE
Oh..

FRIEDA
That’s what I said.

DAVE
Right.

FRIEDA
And guess what?

DAVE
What?

FRIEDA
That day is today! (laughter)

We hear nervous breathing from Dave

FRIEDA
I need get my mitts on The Royal Charter from The Spotted Dog.

DAVE
The Dog?

FRIEDA
Yes.. The Dog.
I don't care how you do it, just do it and when it’s all did and done and the despicable document is delivered from your dirty digits , with the i’s dotted and nothing double crossed, your dismal debt will dissolve. Definitively

DAVE
What..

FRIEDA
Ditto.

DAVE
Frieda, I'm not...

FRIEDA
Not what Dave?
Not going to ensure the wellbeing of your band of pedigree chums.

Sfx: Music from The Omelette Song

FRIEDA
Carly, such a delicate boy.
He couldn’t take much torture could he?
And Billy’s Missus, such a lady.
Lovely family aren’t they?
It’d be an awful shame if their kids got hideously maimed, wouldn’t it?
Sulphuric acid, something like that.
On their way home from school, their faces suddenly falling off.
Be sad, wouldn’t it?
Awful.
Terrible.
Sad.

All your fault.
It would all be your fault Dave.

DAVE
I...

FRIEDA
One more thing Dave.

DAVE
Yeah?

FRIEDA
Don't tell Bill & Carl.

INT: THE SPOTTED DOG BARKING
Phone hangs up. Dave walks back in pub sighs then sings to himself

DAVE
It's so hard being Dave
So hard being Dave
No one knows the pain of being...

INT: THE SPOTTED DOG BARKING

BILL
Dave

CARL
Dave

BILL
DAVE!

CARL
DAVE!

BILL & CARL
DAVE!

DAVE
What!!!

CARL
Are you alright?

DAVE
I’m fine. Were you talking about me?
What were you talking about?

BILL
The nature of love.

DAVE
Love? Don't talk to me about love. Love is like a cat-flap to your soul. Your cat goes out for the night and you never know if it's going to come back.

CARL
Here we go.

DAVE
Not only that.
Other cats come in, flea-ridden and manky… and dogs, rats, incontinent hippopotamus’s and all manner of filthy vermin, spraying and peeing and crapping all over your soul and totally missing the litter tray.

Before you know it you can't close the flap and your swimming in it… runny, fetid Hippopotamus crap.

That's love for you.
Don't talk to me about love.

CARL
Wow.. cor... right..

BILL
What about that American bird though? Sandy??

CARL
Cindy.

BILL
Cindy. Cindy..

DAVE
Cindy Watchowski... That was different.
It was another time.
I was young and foolish and innocent.

BILL
What?
Instead of old and stupid and lonely.

CARL
Dave does have a point, Bill.
Because you are statistically far more likely to be murdered by someone who professed love for you than a serial killer, a terrorist or a habitual genocidal maniac.
That means you're safer with Adolf Hitler or even Frieda Fortune than you are with your Missus.

DAVE
What d'you have to bring up Frieda for?

CARL
Just sayin’

BILL
Blimey, The Missus!
I told you it’s our anniversary tonight and if I don't get south of the river by eight I am toast.

CARL
What have got her this year?

DAVE
It couldn’t be any worse than last year could it?

BILL
I’m not going to make that mistake again.
Who knew?
Household appliances do not apparently constitute an acceptable present?

DAVE
Neither was the latex underwear you got her the year before.

CARL
Or having her car given a surprise service.

DAVE
So... what have you got?

SFX: We hear rustling and a parrot speaks

THE PARROT
Who’s a pretty boy then?

CARL
Oh God

DAVE
A bird?

BILL
Not just any bird - this is a Parrot mate.
An African Grey.
The Missus is going to love it.

CARL
A Parrot?

THE PARROT
Who’s a pretty boy then?

BILL
It talks.

DAVE
Evidently.

CARL
Does it say anything else?

BILL
I dunno.
Didn't ask.
But I thought I ought to get her something special as it's 20 years.

CARL
You definitely nailed 'Special'.

DAVE
20 years?

CARL
Hard to believe, feels like last week.
That was a wedding... Remember Dave?

DAVE
Bit of a blur.
There was a bridesmaid I believe.

CARL
What a lovely day though.
That’s the happiest I’ve ever seen you Bill.

BILL
Yeah... It was...

SONG - THE MISSUS

BILL
The church bells rang
The choir sang
And I I swear my heart went bang
Then the vicar said...
She was The Missus
I looked at her
She looked at me
I knew right away she would always be
Undeniably... The Missus

To have and to hold
Until we both grow old
She will always be... The Missus

Through indiscretions
And repossessions
And the odd counseling session
She has never stopped being The Missus

For richer for poorer
I'll always adore her
I love her
Coz she’s The Missus

Till death do us part
She'll always have me heart
I there's one thing I'm sure of
This is

She always was
She'll always be
A part of me
Eternally
I can guarantee
Forever the The Missus

Yeah she's The Missus
She'll never stop being The Missus

INT: THE SPOTTED DOG BARKING

ETHEL
They’re good lads Viv.

VIV
Yeah..

ETHEL
Especially Carl.

VIV
Oh.

ETHEL
It’s funny I feel safe with him somehow.

VIV
You like him right?

ETHEL
The lad hasn’t got a bad bone in his body - and not a bad body either.

VIV
You should do something about it.

ETHEL
I don’t think I can.
It wouldn’t be fair on him.

VIV
Eth...

ETHEL
What?

VIV
Do something about it.

ETHEL
Hmm... (not comital sounds)

VIV
Eth... Have you always been in the boozer business?

ETHEL
I’ve been working here for quite a while but once upon a time, a long, long ago, I was in a very different line of work.
There were similarities though.

VIV
right... zzz...

ETHELBURGA
Once upon a time back in the year of our lord 870 I was Ethelburga. Abbess of Barking and it was my job, my sacred duty, to keep everything and everyone in the abbey safe.

Birds singing. Kids perform a Hymn with the same melody as “Barking to Deptford”.

KIDS CHOIR
Sic Transit Gloria
Oh Lord enlighten us
Guide us back from whence we came
Into the arms of creation.

A small crowd claps. We hear children laughing. We hear the voice of the very superior and patronizing Archbishop.

ETHELBURGA
That was wonderful children.
Are they not a delight your grace?

ARCHBISHOP
Very good Ethelburga. It is quite wondrous what the Good Lord has achieved with these wretches over the last few years.

ETHELBURGA
Thank you Archbishop, but I wouldn’t describe them as wretched. They are just children like any other.
Give them love in their hearts and food in their bellies and they will shine like....

ARCHBISHOP
If they require it, the good Lord will provide.
There is only one route to salvation and that is to:

Pray for it
Pray for it
All you have to do is pray for it
Anything you want desire or need
Get down on your knees and pray in front of me
All you have to do is pray for it

Now I don’t want to appear patriarchal or paternal
But if you have problems that appear infernal
Concerns about the life eternal
All your petty needs external or internal.

All you have to do is pray for it.

ARCHBISHOP
Is that clear?

ETHELBURGA
Well...

ARCHBISHOP
I must catch the tide.
Thank you for the bread, the ale, the smoked herring.
Oh my, speaking of herring Ethelburga, look..
I think I see your fishermen returning.

ETHELBURGA
Oh no You Grace, I do not believe they are fishermen.
Oh my Lord it’s the…

SFX - Bell rings. Sounds of battle.

BATTLE OF BARKING ABBEY 1

MAN
Vikings!!!! Run! Run!
Battle sounds rise.

ETHELBURGA
Get the children.
Get. Them. Now!

EIHENIHAR
String ‘em up, String ‘em up

INT: SPOTTED DOG - AT BAR

VIV
(waking up)
Vikings?

ETHEL
Ha... I though you were snoozing again Viv.
Hold on a sec.
I’ve got something I’ve got to take care of
Bill Dave and Carl are preparing to leave.

ETHEL (to Bill, Dave & Carl)
You off, boys?

BILL
Yes Eth.

ETHEL
Bye Bill

DAVE
Bye Eth.

ETHEL
Bye Dave…

DAVE
Love ya..

ETHEL
Carl?

CARL (EMBARRASSED)
Eh? Erm.. Hello..

ETHEL
Hve you got a mo?

CARL
Oh Yeah…

DAVE
See y’later

BILL
Meet you at the van Carl.

Music from “Women Are Crazy - Men Are Stupid underscore

CARL
Right what can I do for ya?

(Carl and Ethel talk quietly)

CARL
Right, what can I do for ya?

ETHEL
A job. It’s a simple job but it’s a bit... delicate.

CARL
Oh, Right?

ETHEL (continued - a bit nervous)
I need you to take something to Canning Town for me. To my friend Jack. Just some paperwork. Nothing important, but I wanted someone I could trust.

Jack’s a bit peculiar but he’s alright.

CARL
(Suspicious)
OK....

ETHEL
And Jack is a brilliant mechanic - he could fix your lights and your speedometer in a jiffy.

CARL
Are you in trouble Eth?

ETHEL
Not really.
More desperate takes a moment

ETHEL
Can you do this for me Carl? Please?

Fade out

BILL, DAVE & CARL WALKING DOWN THE STREET TO THE VAN

BILL
So... what did Ethel want?

DAVE
Did she declare undying love for you?

CARL
She just wants me to drop this package to some mechanic in Canning Town.

DAVE
What’s in the package Carl?

CARL
Not sure, something about the pub I think.
She was a bit vague but, tell you what, it sounds important.

DAVE
(Intrigued)
Oh.. right..

BILL
Why don’t you make your move for Ethel, Carl?

DAVE
Yeah, do something about it.

CARL
She's a goddess.

BILL
She's a saint

DAVE
She's a landlady and she scares the crap out of me.

CARL
It's like she's been here forever. It's like if she wasn't here, Barking would be just another town. Every time I look into her eyes it's like there's some ancient wisdom, like I'm staring into the very heart of Barking.

DAVE
Ah, soul of a poet.

BILL
I wouldn’t say that, he's just a sensitive lad

DAVE
His Youtube play-list is wall to wall kittens.

BILL
Everybody liked him when he was a boy.

DAVE
Even my mum and she hated everyone.

BILL
Including you.

DAVE
Especially me.

CARL
Look... I really, really just like her. OK?

BILL AND DAVE
Do something about it.

SJ MOTORS CANNING TOWN
An old telephone is ringing. It's picked up by SPACEMAN JACK

SPACEMAN JACK
SJ Motors, any time any place, anywhen.

ETHEL (ON PHONE)
Stop messing about Jack it's me.

SPACEMAN JACK
Hey, Ethel, so sorry for missing your birthday…

ETHEL
No worries - That's about the 234th time you've done that.
The lads are on their way to see you now, and Carl's got the package.

SPACEMAN JACK
Cool.

ETHEL
Can't thank you enough Jack. You are a star.

SPACEMAN JACK
Consider it my birthday gift to you.

ETHEL
And don't forget, the lights and speedometer on their old
van. I don't know how they get away with it.

SPACEMAN JACK
Got it, all part of the service.

SFX: Phone hangs up - Jack ponders to himself

SPACEMAN JACK
LightspeedO'Meter... Goddamn!

DAVE VOICE OVER IN HIS OWN MIND

SFX: Spacey underscore of “It’s So Hard Being Dave” Trippy SFX

NARRATOR
Oh my, A lightspeed’O’meter, isn’t that interesting.
Why don’t we have a look at what’s going on in Dave’s Brain...

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Dave, Dave, DAVE

INSECURE DAVE
Dave?

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Dave -

INSECURE DAVE
What?

ASSERTIVE DAVE
What are we going to do? Frieda. The Package. All that?

INSECURE DAVE
I’ve got complicated feelings about this.

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Feelings are bollocks.
Nothing complicated about it.

INSECURE DAVE
I should talk to the lads about it.

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Bill is always giving you crap.
Telling you that you can’t do anything by yourself.
This you can do by yourself.
This is your chance.

INSECURE DAVE
But i’m scared. I...
I don’t like it.
Don’t like it at all

ASSERTIVE DAVE
You have nothing to be scared of.
This is simple.
Grab the charter.
Give it to Frieda.
Bill’s kids still have faces.
Frieda owes you one

INSECURE DAVE
But... What about the pub…
What about Ethel?

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Pubs are closing all over the place nowadays.
The Dog is gonna be put down whatever you do .
Ethel’s a smart cookie.
She’ll figure it out.
This plan makes sense.
Deal?

INSECURE DAVE
I’m not sure

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Say it.

INSECURE DAVE
OK… I suppose…

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Say the word.

INSECURE DAVE
Ok...
Alright...
Deal.

ASSERTIVE DAVE
Wanker.

Dave Starts to sing

DAVE
So hard being Dave.
So very very hard being Dave
No one knows the pain of being...

EXT: APPROACHING VAN OUTSIDE BARKING ABBEY

CARL
Dave

BILL
Dave

CARL
(Louder) Dave!

BILL
(Louder) Dave!

BILL & CARL
DAVE!

DAVE
What?
What now?
Oh no, not again.

As the boys get close to the van an instrumental version of the song “Sic Transit Gloria” plays

CARL
Look I know Gloria needs a bit of a wash but there is no need for that.

BILL
That is Disrespectful, shameful & disgusting.
How many times have we cleaned that off and how many times has it returned?

DAVE
Too Many.

BILL (getting angry)
What kind of twonk would write:
“I WISH MY WIFE WAS AS DIRTY AS YOUR VAN”
...on a poor defenceless vehicle again and again and again.

CARL
I s’pose we could wipe it off.

DAVE
It’s not that bad.
BILL
It is that bad?
I’m not going to stand for it.
It really pisses me off

DAVE
Everything pisses you off.

BILL
No it doesn’t.

CARL
It kind of does Bill.

BILL
What do you mean?

DAVE
I’ll tell ya...

SONG: EVERYTHING PISSES HIM OFF

DAVE
Everything pisses him off

CARL
Everything?

DAVE
Yes. Everything.

DAVE & CARL
Everything pisses him off

DAVE
From the top of his head

CARL
To the tips of his toes

DAVE
The summer

BILL
Too hot

CARL
The winter

BILL
It snows

DAVE
Anything that you might propose

DAVE & CARL
Everything pisses him off.

DAVE
The football

STREET CHORUS
Pisses him off

CARL
The traffic

STREET CHORUS
Pisses him off

DAVE
The tax man

STREET CHORUS
Pisses him off

CARL
His postman

STREET CHORUS
Pisses him off

CARL
Goatees.

DAVE
Chick peas,

STREET CHORUS
Osteoporosis

DAVE
But most of all ME!

DAVE & CARL
Everything pisses him off
Song stops

BILL
Have you had enough fun yet.

DAVE
Errr... No!

Song reprises

DAVE & CARL
Everything pisses him off.
Everything pisses him off.

DAVE
Everything?

CARL
Yes. Everything.

DAVE & CARL
Everything pisses him off.

CARL
From the top of his head

DAVE
To the tips of his toes

CARL
Rainbows and rhinos and reality shows.

DAVE
Just about anything gets up his nose.

CARL
All pub games.

BILL
Not dominoes!

DAVE
Ask anyone

CARL
Everyone knows.

DAVE & CARL
Everything pisses him off.

Song stops

PARROT
Who’s a pretty boy then?

BILL (VERY QUIETLY)
Can we please get in the van?

We hear the lads get in the van and turn the engine over.

GLORIA
Starting route from Barking to Deptford.

DAVE
Here we go Gloria.

GLORIA
Turn left on Abbey Road.
You do not to have to turn left of course.
You could turn right.
You have a choice.
Or at least you believe you do.

DAVE
Carl - Radio...

SFX: we hear radio tuning in through static

RADIO
Are you sitting comfortably?
Then we’ll begin.

Once upon a time - long ago but not so far away – lived the beautiful young girl....

DAVE
What’s this crap?

CARL
No no no... This is really interesting.

RADIO
Barely twelve years of age she would rise before anyone in her family and walk the fields...

BILL
No it’s not.
Its bollocks.

CARL
Oh, come on give it a chance.

RADIO
Suddenly she was startled. The girl turned. Her heart jumped.
She saw a boy with the softest blue eyes she had ever seen looking at her.

DAVE
Carl - Enough -

RADIO
The boy...

DAVE
Music - Proper music. Now!

SFX - Radio retunes and we hear “BARKING TO DEPTFORD”

INT: SPOTTED DOG

ETHEL (TO HERSELF)
Perfect.
Carls got the charter and he’s on his way to Jack.
I get to keep the pub and Frieda is foiled again.
Finally I can relax.

VIV
Relax?
I wouldn’t count on that Eth...
Where’s my pint?

ETHEL
Sorry Viv.
Here you go.

VIV
What was that you were saying before Eth?
I must have dropped off.
Something about...

EXT: BATTLE OF BARKING ABBEY 2

SFX - Bell rings. Sounds of battle

MAN
Vikings!!!! Run! Run!
Battle sounds rise.

ETHELBURGA
Get the children.
Get. Them. Now!
Run run....

EIHENIHAR
String ‘em up, String ‘em up

FREYA
Kill them! Kill them all!
Especially the children.
You don’t want to see that type breed.

SFX - Battle sounds rise. We hear screaming and the battle fading out.

FREYA (CONT’D)
Oh you can run Ethelburga.....

ETHELBURGA
Freya stop......
You don’t....

FREYA
Don’t what Ethelburga?
I don’t have to liberate all that gold you have hidden away?

ETHELBURGA
The relics?
They’re not here.
The Archbishop came...
He...

FREYA
Oh right, The Archbishop...
Came with his abbots and his monks and take it all away did he?
Moved all the treasure did he?
Hide it somewhere else did he?

ETHELBURGA
Yes. It’s all gone, it’s just us here.
Me - the nuns - the children.

FREYA
Ah right...
Is that The Archbishop who’s head is now stuck on that post over there?

ETHELBURGA
(Disgusted/shocked/scared)
Ah...

FREYA
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the same one.
I’m not sure where his body is but I know for a fact that he wasn’t hiding any treasures in any orifice we examined.
So, Ethelburga - The Gold - Where is it?

ETHELBURGA
Freya no. I beg you.

FREYA
Oh do shut it Ethelburga.
You’re doing my bloody head in.
You have no idea how stressful it is to organise a raid.
These battles don’t happen by themselves y’know…..
But I digress, where was I?
Oh yeah...
It’s over.
You lost, I won.
So I’m right and you’re...

ETHELBURGA
Wait....
You don’t understand.

This makes Freya REALLY ANGRY

FREYA
UNDERSTAND?
Just because you’ve been brought up in a posh nunnery and you read books all day and speak Latin instead of getting a proper job you think you’re better than everyone else.
Now you shut up and understand this...

SFX: Freya puts a sword through Ethelburga.

ETHELBURGA (DYING)
Agh.
No Freya...
You will never...
Not on my watch.

SFX: Ethelburga throws a knife at Freya. In the background we hear Vivien - a petulant teenage sorceress who has just risen after spending 400 years underwater

FREYA
Aaaagh...
Did you just throw that knife?
You sneaky cow Ethelburga.
A hidden dagger?
That’s not even proper swordsplay?
Hidden daggers are cheating
Whatever happened to chivalry?
Ahhgh..
Music be of Barking to Deptford in an orchestral style.

A GIRL
Hello, Hello?
Can you guys not hear me.
I said excuse me....
Theme tune