PROLOGUE

NARRATOR
Previously on Men With Ven - Driving from Barking to Deptford.

THE CARPET SALESMAN

BILL! DAVE CARL!
Three sons of The East End sipping ale in The Spotted Dog. Barry gets burnt by Oddman for non-delivery.
Bill doesn’t want to be late home for The Missus.
Carl is secretly holding a candle for Ethel.
A quintisential crush...
Dave’s told to do a favour for Frieda.
(And we all know what that means)
Spaceman Jack. (What’s his story?)
REWIND:
One thousand years (give or take a couple)
Vikings! Blood! Gore ! Death!
(Lots of death)
It’s barbaric down in Barking.
Freya kills Ethelburga.
Ethelburga kill Freya.
BUT HOLD ON!
A sopping wet lass rises from The Roding River.
And she does not look very happy about being disturbed...
Would you?

EXT: BARKING ABBEY 871AD
We hear the end of the fight between Freya & Ethelburga and a girl walking out of a river.

VIVIEN (CONT’D)
Really
OK great...
Just die then...
I’m a sorceress - like proper
I can do actual magic.
Watch this.
Watch me bring both of you old snaggle toothed victim queens back to life.

SFX: Sound of enormous crack as spell is made. Ethelburga and Freya have a large intake of breath and are resurrected.

FREYA & ETHELBURGA
Aah...

VIVIEN
I said... Look ladies I’m talking to you.

ETHELBURGA
What’s going on?

VIVIEN
Yeah you with the crazy hat

ETHELBURGA
My habit?

VIVIEN
- and excuse me..
You - that leather skirt?

FREYA
I’ll have you know this was designed by...

VIVIEN
I do not think so....

ETHELBURGA
Who are you?

FREYA
How did you?

VIVIEN
I told you.
I like a sorceress, a super good one.

OLD SKOOL!
I was taught by the best magician ever.
Except he was like a totally rubbish boyfriend, but anyway that is so none of your business.

ETHELBURGA
You’re not a sorceress

FREYA
You’re just a brat.

VIVIEN
Are you dissing me?.
For that, I will curse you with eternal life.

FREYA
That’s not a curse.

ETHELBURGA
No, I think that’s a spell...

VIVIEN
(completely losing it)
Shut up.
Listen to me....
Music for “Curse” begins

VIVIEN
You...

ETHELBURGA
What?

VIVIEN
Crazy lady with the whatever that is on your head.

ETHELBURGA
It’s a habit.

VIVIEN
It’s a bad habit.
You get to spend the rest of eternity defending your house. Or whatever that pile of bricks you dwell in is.
And you, yeah the lady still trying to rock the leather skirt...

FREYA
It’s stylish.

VIVIEN
It’s rubbish.
Have you seen yourself?
We could all be your gynecologist.

ETHELBURGA
Ewww..

VIVIEN
You will spend the rest of eternity trying to tear it down! Yeah... Like.... Forever!
Now you’re listening.

ETHELBURGA
Still not a proper curse.

FREYA
No, there’s no caveat.

VIVIEN
What?

ETHELBURGA
Yeah, you’ve got to have a a caveat.
Y’know, the bit that breaks the curse.

VIVIEN
(screams in frustration)
You want a proper curse? Right...

SONG: CURSE

VIVIEN (CONT’D)
When the chosen men
Take the sacred deed
Beneath the waves and then
Her armies will stampede
And the curse will end
When the fool beheads
A winged beast who squawks
As if it is brain dead.

Which will like, never happen, so you are going to fight each other for ever and ever getting really, really bored.

In’t that brilliant?

ETHELBURGA
Err... Not really no.

FREYA
You stupid girl.

VIVIEN
Stupid am I?
For that you get banishment too.
You can stay South of The Thames unable to cross water until your poxy army is summoned.

Which will be like - Never!
Ha.
Off you go.
Massive whooshing sound

FREYA
Aghhhhh...

INT. VAN. DAY
Theme music - Song: BARKING TO DEPTFORD

NARRATOR
Men With Ven - Driving From Barking to Deptford.
Chapter 2 - The Pie & Mash Interfaith Meeting.

MEN WITH VEN
Driving From Barking to Deptford.
We call our van Gloria.
In her we’ve been near and far.
She’s a four wheeled, five geared, superstar.
Driving From Barking to Deptford.

NARRATOR
Life is largely violence, filth and death and drink… and never ending one-way systems.

FX NEAR BARKING ABBEY (In the voice of a GPS System over the intro to BARKING TO DEPTFORD)

GLORIA
Starting route from Barking to Deptford.
Turn left on Abbey Road.
You do not to have to turn left of course.
You could turn right.
You have a choice.
Or at least you believe you do.
Underscore - I Can Do That

BILL
Dave.

CARL
Dave.

BILL
Dave.

CARL
Dave.

BILL & CARL
Dave!

DAVE
What?

BILL
Left here.

DAVE
Can’t. It’s all one way now.

CARL
‘Course, the new pedestrian precinct.

BILL
And retail park.

DAVE
And another shopping centre on it’s way

BILL
Next to the other bloody shopping centre.

CARL
It’s like someone’s gone round deliberately knocking things down and digging things up just for the fun of it.

DAVE
I don’t know where I am now.

BILL
You never know where you are.

DAVE
Oy...

BILL
Left here Dave.

DAVE
You sure?

BILL
No Dave, that’s why I said it.

DAVE
I don’t know...

BILL
Exactly my point.

DAVE
You want to drive Bill?
I mean we got all day.

BILL
What d’you mean?

DAVE
Means you drive like a Nan.

BILL
There’s nothing wrong with my driving.

CARL
You can be a little bit slow, Bill.

BILL
I’m just a considerate motorist.

DAVE
Ice caps melt quicker than you drive Bill.

CARL
Dave - left!
Oh.... sorry.
Thought you could still get through there... Forgot.

FX van reversing

PARROT
Who’s a pretty boy then?

DAVE
Can you shut that thing up.

BILL
Respect the bird.
The missus is going to love it.

CARL
I’ll put a blanket over it’s cage.
That should keep it quiet.

DAVE
This is ridiculous.

BILL
How we going to get out of here?

CARL
Look over there.
More bloody luxury flats.

BILL
Luxury flats? They piss me off.

PARROT
Awk... Wahk.. Clk. Clk. Clk.

INT. FRIEDA’S OFFICE. DAY

FRIEDA
Luxury flats. I love ‘em.
Luxury flats soon become luxury slums.
Sell ‘em high. Buy ‘em back low.

ODDMAN
Nrrrgh rrregh errhghg?

FRIEDA
Absolutely right, my sweet, it can get a little dull.
When I soon it’s all relative innit?

ODDMAN
Rrregh

FRIEDA
Give or take a few hundred years.
Not like the old days is it?

ODDMAN
Aaaaaghg nnrrgh grrrhgh.

FRIEDA
You’re not wrong there Oddman, making that sanctimonious old cow, Ethelburga, homeless again always gives me a warm feeling inside.

ODDMAN
Aaaagh grrr?

FRIEDA
Yes, like The Great Fire.
She didn’t see that one coming did she?
Mind you, all that bother with that Hitler bloke.
No matter how much information we gave him he still couldn’t bomb her maternity clinic could he.

ODDMAN
Mmm...

FRIEDA
So much for German efficiency eh?

ODDMAN
(Annoyed)
Mwrr grr nngg...

FRIEDA
(slightly chastised)
Yes Oddman.

ODDMAN
Glrrr..

FRIEDA
You’re right it’s wrong to stereotype.
A bit racist isn’t it?

ODDMAN
Mmm..

FRIEDA
I know that upsets you
Sorry dear.

ODDMAN
Oddmaa.. Mttll.. Owd.. Nrrr.. Gttrrr..

FRIEDA
Of course I’ll drop you off to the old people’s home after we collect the rents.
ODDMAN
nrrr... grrr..

I can’t believe your music group is so popular with the Geri-Active set.
I love how you cheer them up.

ODDMAN
Arggh hhhragh?

FRIEDA
Don’t worry we have time. It’ll be a little while before Dave gets here with that Royal Charter.

ODDMAN
Aaaghgrrrr.

FRIEDA
But, right now, it’s rent time!

SONG - SLUMLORD

TENANTS
She’s a slumlord

FRIEDA
I don’t really care.
I made my investment I must get me share

TENANTS
She’s a slumlord.

FRIEDA
I really don’t care.
First of the month and you’ll know I’ll be there

Roof got a leak, I don’t care about that
Bedbug, termite, cockroach rat
Money I want I don’t want no chat
All about making me bankbook fat

TENANTS
She’s a slumlord.

FRIEDA
I don’t really care.
I made my investment I must get my share.

TENANTS
She’s a slumlord.

FRIEDA
I really don’t care.
First of the month and you’ll know I’ll be there.

TENANTS
If you don’t pay your rent she’ll treat you like meat
Throw your wife and your kiddies right out on the street
If you don’t pay in time She’ll turn off the heat
Double quick - She will press delete

She’s a slumlord
She’s a slumlord
FRIEDA
If you don’t pay in time

TENANTS
She will turn it off

FRIEDA
Electricity

TENANTS
She will turn it off

FRIEDA
Gas for the cooker

TENANTS
She will turn it off

FRIEDA
Hallway lighting

TENANTS
She will turn it off

FRIEDA
Hot water

TENANTS
She will turn it off

FRIEDA
Even cold water

TENANTS
She will turn it off

FRIEDA
Your fun and your laughter

TENANTS
She will turn it off

FRIEDA
The love that you share
TENANTS
She will turn it off

I beg your pardon - Me never promised you a rose garden
She’s a slumlord

FRIEDA
I don’t really care, I made my investment I must get me share.

TENANTS
She’s a slumlord

FRIEDA
I really don’t care
First of the month

ODDMAN
Mrrr......

INT. VAN. DAY

GLORIA
Can you drive down any other road than the road you are on. Can you observe the signs?

DAVE
Roun’ and roun’ and roun’...

BILL
This is getting us nowhere...

GLORIA
Do you see a pattern?

CARL
Straight on.
Past Upton Park....
I mean Upton Gardens.

DAVE
Upton Gardens?

BILL
Upton bloody gardens?

CARL
(in his reading out loud voice)
‘The luxury flats and memorial garden...

DAVE
They’re destroying my childhood.

BILL
Luxury Flats...

CARL
....and communal roof terraces.’ According to the adverts.

BILL
Have you been to the new grounds ?

DAVE
Yeah.. Me and Carl went once.

CARL
It was terrifying.
Full of retro-internet designers and media execuslags dressed in bespoke versions of reject charity shop clothing.

DAVE
We couldn’t move for all beardo-weirdo-top-knot-organic-
pueseudo-herbal-non-chemical-lager everywhere.

CARL
It was horrible.

BILL
Pisses me off.

GLORIA
Of course you may see patterns that are not really there.

PHONE CALL FROM THE MISSUS

Bill’s phone rings

INTRO TO SONG: YOU GOT ME THERE
The track starts as if coming out of a phone then explodes into full bandwidth as THE MISSUS voice starts to speak. Her voice remains “telephone sound”

CARL
Oh dear...

BILL (CONT’D)
Hold on - It’s her.

DAVE
Here we go...

BILL
Hello.

SONG: YOU GOT ME THERE

THE MISSUS
Bill! Can you hear me.
BILL?

BILL
Yeah yeah, I’m here. I’m here don’t worry.

THE MISSUS
When are you going to grow up?

BILL
Oh hello love. No I won't be long - I'm with Dave and Carl, we are…

THE MISSUS
Every time you go out with Dave and Carl…… (exasperated sigh)
BILL
I thought you liked them

THE MISSUS
Please don’t be late tonight Billy.
Not tonight O.K.?

BILL
I... I... Well.. Not long but you know what The Blackwall Tunnel’s like.

THE MISSUS
You do know that tonight is a very very special night don’t you Bill?

BILL
Definitely, I’m on it.
Well, You know I would never let you down.

THE MISSUS
Let me down?
You don’t clear up your dirty washing.
When are you going to start ironing and walking the dog and go to work?

BILL
I’m Self Employed!

THE MISSUS
When are you going to grow up?
The lawn needs moving and the towels need folding
And no more excuses Bill!

BILL
Y’got me there
Y’got me there
I won’t do it again I promise I swear
I never should have said I had nothing to declare
You really got me there.

Y’got me there
Y’got me there
I know I’m not perfect.
What you’re saying is fair.
You got me bang to rights yeah?
You really got me there.

THE MISSUS
20 years...

BILL
Well alright, you’ve got a point..

THE MISSUS
Mm hm..

BILL
I made a few mistakes

THE MISSUS
A few?

BILL
Fair enough. I’ll come home and we’ll have a quiet night in.

THE MISSUS
Ahh.. That would be nice

BILL
…Watch The Great British Bake Off

THE MISSUS
Oh Lovely…

BILL
And maybe

THE MISSUS
What? (Suspiciously)

BILL
Y’know… bake a cake

THE MISSUS

Yes!
BILL
If you know what I mean

THE MISSUS
mmm… I think I do. (Giggles)

THE MISSUS
Can’t wait…

BILL
Love you - see you later

SFX: Phone hangs up. Song ends.

PARROT
Who’s a pretty boy then?

DAVE
How did you do that? You turned her around completely in less than a minute.

BILL
Simple really. All I did was agree with her about how rubbish I am and told her that I loved her.

CARL
When?

BILL
“Have a quiet night in and watch The Great British Bake Off”.

CARL
And?

BILL
If I can tolerate it for fifty five minutes in some strange but very real way it proves my love to her.
And that’s all any of us want isn’t it. To be loved.
Isn’t that right Carl?

CARL
Errr... well yeah. I suppose...

INT.SPOTTED DOG.DAY

VIV
Yeah Eth, I keep having lots of funny dreams recently.

ETHEL
Is that right?

VIV
Yeah, I was picking flowers in a big field. Except I wasn’t me. It was like
it was me but it wern’t... oh so confusing.

ETHEL
Are you OK Viv?

VIV
But then it went all bad.
Oh... (getting frustrated)
I can’t remember nothin’ nomore.

ETHEL
That’s why I can talk to you Viv.

VIV
Wha?

ETHEL
I can tell you everything because you don’t remember anything.
Y’know Viv, It’s exhausting.
Trying to keep one step a head of it all especially Freya for the last 1147 years 22 days and 4 hours.

VIV
That’s a very long time.

ETHEL
Don’t know the half of it.
I’ve been around the block a few hundred times at least.
Done all sorts.

VIV
(Yawning) ...right...zzz

ETHEL
I was nurse during the blitz, they set up a field hospital, over by the Abbey ruins, those were dark days.

VIV
(Snoring)

ETHEL
Are you snoring?


VIV
(waking up) No Eth.

ETHEL
We still had a few laughs though. Nothing like a sense of urgency to keep you on your toes, if you know what I mean.

VIV
(Snoring)

ETHEL
Then there was the Great Fire, that was a close one, Freya almost won that battle.
And then of course there was Barking Abbey, where it all started with that bloody curse

VIV (WAKES UP)
Not a spell.

ETHEL
Oh Viv, bless.
You really are losing the plot.

EXT: SJ MOTORS, CANNING TOWN

SFX - Sound of van backfiring. Spluttering engine.

DAVE
Gloria, behave yourself, not here not now.

GLORIA
We are experiencing difficult conditions.
Be aware.

BILL
What?

GLORIA
Magical thinkers will give undue significance to a coincidence - or three.
Will you?

DAVE
Gloria?

GLORIA
Observe the signs.
Or not.
It’s up to you.
Or at least you believe it is.

CARL
Ere’, this ain’t right.
We have to get Gloria to a Vanatortium.
Hold on this is close to where we have to drop off the package for Ethel.
Where’s it gone?
Where’s the package?

DAVE
It’s alright Carl, I’ve got it here.

CARL
Thanks mate.

BILL
Here we are, S.J. Motors Canning Town.
Anytime Anyplace Anywhen?

Fade out

Int: SJ Motors - Canning Town

SFX: Welding going on in the background.

BILL
Hello.

DAVE
Anyone home?

CARL
You sure this is the place?

SPACEMAN JACK
Carl?

CARL
Yeah, that’s me.

SPACEMAN JACK
I do believe you have something for me?

CARL
Oh, I’ve left it in the van.

DAVE
Here Carl - I’ve got it.

FX Dave passing him the package.

CARL
Thanks Dave.
Here you go Jack.

SPACEMAN JACK
Thank you, Bye & bye & bye.

CARL
No, no, no.

BILL
We’ve got a problem.

SPACEMAN JACK
Everyone got a problem man.

BILL
We’ve got a Sick Transit.

CARL
Gloria.

SPACEMAN JACK
Gloria?
That don’t sound no good to me, no good at all.

DAVE
Can you take a look?
BILL
It’s an emergency.

SPACEMAN JACK
It always is.

DAVE
No, this really is.

SPACEMAN JACK
Well, maybe give me a couple of hours and I’ll take a look.

BILL
A couple of hours?

SPACEMAN JACK
I got time on my hands.

BILL
My Missus is going to kill me.
Ethel said…

SPACEMAN JACK
Ethel, Ethel.
I’ve known Ethel since I made it to Quadrant 14, which on your map might say London but my map is kinda different to your map - ain’t it?
She said somtin’ about you needing a LightspeedOmeter.

DAVE
That would be brilliant.

SPACEMAN JACK
Uh huh. Ethel mentioned you might be needing some work on your mode of transportation on account of your line of business.
Fine woman that Ethel.

GLORIA
There is a fault.
Please refer to the manufacturer

CARL
See. I told you she weren’t right.

GLORIA
Some satanists hold a duotheistic belief with two gods perpetually at war over earthly human matters.
Turn left right.

DAVE
Calm down Gloria.

GLORIA
With freedom of choice comes the opportunity to self destruct.

BILL
My Missus will self-destruct me unless you can get Gloria running quick....

SPACEMAN JACK
Now Hold up, hold up.

You ain’t said hi, you ain’t said ho and you definitely ain’t bought me a drink.

No, nothing.

Now why don’t you head across to Mo’s and you get a nice cup or two of this and that and bring me back somethin’ real real nice.
And that little lady - Gloria you say? - over there.
She will have a full special.
Whoo hoo yes.
Full Special & LightspeeO’meter.
Yesss sir ree...

CARL
Mo’s? The Pie and Mash place?

BILL
I thought that went out of business ages ago.

DAVE
I’ve not been there in years?

CARL
Shall we do it?

Sounds of assent from Bill & Dave

Int. Mo’s Pie & Mash Shop Canning Town

SFX - Sounds of a busy cafe - Song “Take It Easy”

MO (off mic)
Double pie and mash with liquor.

CARL
The Right Reverend Sir Mortimer Planno!
How you doing mate?

MO
Your face not look strange Carl.
I’m Mo to you since you be a little baby and I’m Mo to you now.
Would you like to hear The Specials?

CARL
Of course...

MO
You’ve done too much, much to young…

BILL
The old ones…

DAVE
Are still the old ones

CARL
Mo, What’s going on here?
The place is rocking’.
I thought business was a bit wobbly for you.

MO
It was a bit quiet but then I started this interfaith meeting. I used to be a spiritual man but as I got older I learned to be more religious.

BILL
Excuse me?

DAVE
What?
MO
They meet here once a week. All the religions in the neighbourhood are here.

There’s Father Flannery and the nuns from The Sacred Bleeding Heart Of sometin’ sometin’, Imam Amir, Reg the Rabbi, Sammy the Sadhu and a bunch of monks from the Buddhist Temple.

CARL
Right.

DAVE
Who’s the bearded topknot Hackney hipster geezer?

MO
Yeah, that bwoy.
Well he founded the Church of Baby iPhone Jesus.

BILL
What’s that when it’s at home?

MO
Apparently he’s created a...
What you call it?
Algorithm to detect the word of God directly from his media feed.

And he also run a Punannylini Yogi ting or whatever.

BILL
Oh yeah, one of them, I know.

MO
Some come here for the atmosphere, some for the exotic cuisine and some to have a safe space to exchange views about their practices.

DAVE
As long as the menu is still the same I’m in.

BILL
Amen

MO
I’ve had to change the pies a bit.
Veg for the Buddhists, no beef for the Hindus, I never use pork so we cool with the Muslims and Chosen People...
Oh hold on a customer….

IMAM AMIR
Strive to discover the mystery before life is taken from you.

MO
Brother Amir, I’ve told you more times than I can remember, I’m not telling you the recipe for my liquor for love, money or 64 virgins in any afterlife.
Just sit yourself down over there and I’ll get you another order.
Seen?

DAVE
Who’s that fella Mo?

MO
He one of the wise men though.
Lovely manners.

DAVE
I could murder a couple of those pies.
Amir hears him and turns.

IMAM AMIR
Your desire must be disciplined, and what you want to happen in time, sacrificed.

DAVE (INTRIGUED)
Yeah.. You might be on to something there.
Do you mind if I take a seat?

IMAM AMIR
What you seek is seeking you.
Sound of Dave pulling up a seat - he talks in hushed tones so Bill and Carl cannot hear.

DAVE
That’s what I thought.

(Quietly) - I’ve got an issue that a man of your learning might be able to help me with.
I’m hiding something from my mates.
It’s for their own good really.
Music begins

IMAM AMIR
Become a devotee of all creation,
Intoxicated, carefree,
Without desire, indifferent to the world.
Let your heart be fully clean.


DAVE
Fully clean?
Dunno about that.
My heart is feeling a bit grubby right now but I am quite an expert in intoxication.

IMAM AMIR
There are two aspects of individual harmony: the harmony between body and soul, and the harmony between individuals. All the tragedy in the world, in the individual and in the multitude, comes from lack of harmony.

DAVE
Harmony?
I’ve got a total lack of any money.

IMAM AMIR
And harmony is the best given by producing harmony in one's own life.

DAVE
Well I will definitely get a lot more harmony in my own life if I just give the package to Frieda?
You’ve set me straight.
I’m glad we had this little discussion.

IMAM AMIR
There are many paths to enlightenment.
Where is your path taking you, my son?

DAVE
My path to enlightenment?
That’s easy...

SONG: DEPTFORD MARKET

DAVE
We’re going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Leave the van
There’s nowhere left to park it

BILL DAVE & CARL
They’re rolling out the carpet
So come and fill your basket
Bring your Nan
We’re going Deptford Market

BILL
Car parts, Chicken hearts
Golf clubs and lightweight darts

CARL
Mobile phones.

DAVE
Dinosaur bones.

BILL
A duffle coat and some Ice cream cones.

CROWD
Baked beans, fruit machines.

DAVE
A brand new reconditioned M16

MO
Mangos, pears and nanny goats

DAVE
Slightly used

GLORIA
Ten pound notes

BILL
Prayer rugs and Royal Wedding Mugs

CATHOLIC NUN
A lovely pair of Toby Jugs

BILL
Tiddlywinks and Cava, full strength lager
A jar of piccalilli and...

BUDDHIST NUN
Shoes by Prada

BILL DAVE & CARL
Going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Leave the van
There’s nowhere left to park it
They’re rolling out the carpet
So come and fill your basket
Bring your nan
We’re going Deptford Market

BILL
Zip drives, Stanley knives
DVD's of Dave's ex-wives
Rubber ducks, pork chops, Dental floss
All kinds of chrimatistikos

BILL
Lexapro,

CARL & DAVE
Diazepam

BILL
Klonopin,

CARL & DAVE
Ativan

BILL DAVE & CARL
Frigidaire

BILL
A dancing bear
A pair of Carl's old underwear

DAVE & CARL
Culture!

BILL
In a petri dish
Funny looking frozen one pound fish.

Sugar puffs and wing nuts,
Fisticuffs and haircuts
Come pick up a bargain
Down here!

HINDI CHOIR
We’re going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Leave the van
There’s nowhere left to park it

CHURCH CHOIR
Going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Bring your Nan
We’re going Deptford Market

EVERYONE
We're all going mental
We're all going mental
We're all going mental
We're all going mental
We're all going mental
We're all going mental
We’re going Deptford Market.

DAVE
Westfield - My hairy arse.

INT: SPOTTED DOG

ETHEL
Still no word from Jack. I hope those lads are alright.

VIV
Reckon they’re stuck in traffic.

ETHEL
It’s just, if that package...
I mean, I know they’ll be fine but...
I just ... I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to Carl - or any of them.

VIV
You chose ‘em Eth.
They won’t let you down.

ETHEL
Probably right.

VIV
It’s not like they’re gonna start a war is it?

ETHEL
Yeah, not likely.
(beat)
Y’know, this pub is just bricks - but those boys are the mortar that hold it all together.

SONG: BRAND NEW UNIVERSE

ETHEL
They are ragged
But they work it
They’re not faultless
But they’re perfect

What a mess
Of Emotion
They’re unfinished
But unbroken

You’re never sure what they are on about.
Full of faith and full of doubt
They are the fire that will never burn out
They showed me that…

Life gets better as it goes on
They make it all up as they go along
Blundering through a messed universe
Life gets better as it goes on
Making it up the words as they sing along
Blundering through a messed universe
Stumbling though a complicated universe
Building themselves a brand new universe

INT: SJ MOTORS

BILL
Alright Jack?
Here y’go, got you some pie & mash from Mo’s..
So, is she running?

SPACEMAN JACK
Who? Who?...

BILL
Gloria

SPACEMAN JACK
Oh, oh. The van?
Done... done.

CARL
Great.

BILL
Yes.

SPACEMAN JACK
More than done Double done done.

DAVE
How so?

SPACEMAN JACK
Replacement, rehabilitation & reconstruction.
Full LightspeO’meter special.

CARL
I don’t wish to be rude but it looks pretty much the same to me.

SPACEMAN JACK
Same same but different.
Jack opens the door.

GLORIA
Reconfiguring. Stay alert.

SFX of Space sounds and whooshes.

GLORIA
Please remain calm and think.

DAVE
What have you done, Jack?

BILL
And how... in the time it took us to down a cuppa?

SPACEMAN JACK
Like I said, time don’t mean much to me.
24 hours, 25 hours, minus 25 hours.
All the same.
Ethel said Gloria needed something a little special.

DAVE
But does she go?
That’s all we wanted.
Does she go?

SPACEMAN JACK
Gloria used to only go North, South, East and West.
Now she goes forward and back.
Forward and back...

CARL
No.. She always went forward and back.
It’s the starting and stopping that was the problem.

SPACEMAN JACK
Forward and back in time.

BILL
Sod off! That’s impossible.

SPACEMAN JACK
Y’Wanna a test drive?

DAVE
Jack, are you saying we can travel through ...

BILL
Dave, grow up will ya?
I’ve got to get back to The Missus.
We haven’t got time for this.

SPACEMAN JACK
You need to overstand what I’m sayin’ here brother.
From this point on, you have all time in world.

BILL
No, we don’t!

SPACEMAN JACK
Let me show you.
When do you want to go?

CARL
Well I wouldn’t mind seeing the Blitz.

BILL & DAVE (horrified)
What?

GLORIA
Re-routing Canning Town. 1940.

CANNING TOWN 1940
1940 SFX of bombing raid

DAVE
Woahh...What’s happening?

SFX of panic and bombing continues. Multiple aero engines and explosions can be heard. Somewhere ahead, people are screaming.

SPACEMAN JACK
World War 2 pal. Ohhhh… look at that.

CARL
That’s interesting.
I didn’t know there was a cake shop there.

SFX - Massive bomb

SPACEMAN JACK
Not anymore.

FX - Another bomb drops.

DAVE
Oh this is just brilliant.

FX - Another bomb drops

BILL
Alright, alright...
I believe you.
I’ve seen enough.
Gloria, take us back.

FX - Another bomb drops

GLORIA
Re-routing: Canning Town Present Day.

INT: VAN PRESENT DAY

FX - Big electronic swoop

GLORIA
Reassess your position.
Where are you starting from?

BILL
That’s it, we’re out of here.

GLORIA
Be aware that your cognitive bias dictates your behaviour.
FX Jack gets out the van.

DAVE
Thanks Jack, I think.

SPACEMAN JACK
No need to thank me now, you can thank me before.
Or not at all.
What Ethel wants is what I do.
Just one little thing.

BILL
In a hurry Jack...

SPACEMAN JACK
In the glove compartment, the operating manual, read it before you operate.
And if you get in big trouble take a little looky in the little black bookie.

CARL
Little black what?

DAVE
Yeah, course.
Cheers Jack.

BILL
Dave? Drive.

FX crank up the van and drive away

CARL
Why d’you think Ethel wanted?..

BILL
We haven’t got time Carl, I can’t be late.

DAVE
Traffic’s a nightmare.

CARL
How ‘bout using our new time travel thingy?

FX opening the glove compartment.

DAVE
Good idea Carl.

BILL
He’s right.
If we go back in time there’ll be no traffic.

CARL
Right, it says here: ‘Before embarking on....’

BILL
We don’t have time to mess about with the manual, just find the bit about the buttons.

CARL
But Jack said...

DAVE
Bill’s right.
What’s this one do?

FX shoooom

CANNING TOWN 1928

GLORIA

Re- routing: Canning Town 1928

DAVE
Well that worked, there’s no traffic here, when are we?

CARL
1928 I think?

BILL
Great, put your foot down Dave.

DAVE
Hold up, which way?

BILL
No traffic and no road signs.
This is no good, have another go.

CARL
Don’t just push any-old buttons Dave

DAVE
I know what I’m doing.

FX Shoooom

CANNING TOWN 54BC

GLORIA
Re-routing: Canning Town Minus 54

CARL
Minus 54? I wonder what that means?

DAVE
I thought I knew what I was doing.

FX crowd shouting

BILL
I don’t know Dave, that’s a funny looking crowd.

CARL
Open the window, what’s that bloke shouting about?

JULIUS CEASAR
Friends, Romans, countrymen...

DAVE
Romans?

BILL
Carl, your turn. Get us out of here.

FX shoooom

CANNING TOWN 1974

GLORIA
Re-routing - Canning Town1974

DAVE
That’s better, no traffic.

BILL
And proper roads.
With signs.

DAVE
1974?

CARL
1974 Miners strike.
3 day week. No petrol. No traffic jams.

DAVE
That is genius Carl.

CARL
Wait... Dave... Dave... Dave... Stop!

FX brakes on

DAVE
What?

CARL
That’s the house me mum and dad lived in when I was little before we moved.

BILL
Carl...

CARL
Look, number 32. There’s my mum...

BILL
We don’t have...

DAVE
Leave it Bill.

CARL’S MUM (IN DISTANCE)
Carl...

CARL
Oh mum.

BILL
She was lovely your mum.

CARL
She made the best cakes.

CARL’S MUM (IN DISTANCE)
Bread pudding with Angel Delight.

DAVE
And a bit of looker as well.

BILL
Dave!

CARL
I still miss her everyday.

SONG: KISS IT BETTER.

CARL
My old mum was a martyr to her back
She had to spend too many hours Lying in the sack
But she always had time
For me and our Jack
There was a teacher at our school who tried it on and more
And when our mother found out she gave him what for
She delivered a backhander
And that teacher got shown the door

If one of us was hurt
She'd hold us to her skirt
She's stroke our hair and we would always let her
We'd stop making a fuss
As she would say to us
"Come here, son. Let me kiss it better"

Kiss it better, kiss it better
That's what we always heard her say
Kiss it better I'll kiss it better
I’ll make all the bad things go away

Kiss it better, kiss it better
That's what I'll always hear her say
Kiss it better, I'll kiss it better
I'll make all the bad things go away
I'll make all the bad things go away

BILL
Maybe we should get out of here eh?.

FX shooom

CANNING TOWN PRESENT DAY

GLORIA
Re routing - Canning Town Present Day

BILL
Dave

CARL
Dave

BILL
Dave

CARL
Dave

BILL & CARL
Dave

DAVE
What

BILL
Drive.

GLORIA
Re-routing.
The first rule of time-travel is “Don’t Bother”.
No matter how you meddle in the past, you inevitably wind up creating the present you are currently inhabiting and probably hoping to avoid.

MEN WITH VEN
North and south we’ve been known to roam
From loading zone to loading zone
Tell the Missus I’m coming home
Driving from Barking to Deptford