INTRO/THEME TUNE

MO
Ok People time to go home.
Eh, Just one more, just one more
Men with Ven - Driving From Barking To Deptford.
Driving all the way down from Barking To Deptford.
Dark clouds and mysterious thing all around.
Lord in his mercy let me tell ‘em say
Bill, Dave & Carl.
Seven times rise. Seven times fall.
I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl. All for one and a one for all.
Come in,

MEN WITH VEN
Not far to go - gotta stay calm
Gloria is our good luck charm
Ready for a pint at The Pelton Arms
Driving from Barking to Deptford.

MO
Talkin’ bout Bill, Dave & Carl.
Seven times rise. Seven times fall.
I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl...

NARRATOR
Life is largely violence filth and death and drink...
and standing up for your bredren.
Seen?

Episode 6: The Dave.

INT.VAN.DAY

SONG: BETTER OUT THAN IN

BILL
Better out than in.
Better in than out.
Well it all depends
What you’re talking about
Do you bottle it in?
Or do you scream and shout?
Better out than in.
Better in than out.

GLORIA
Driving East on Traflagar Road.
Is the ring road the right road or the road less travelled?

BILL
Greenwich - at last
Almost home.

GLORIA
Position the Oh En stoke Oh Eff Eff switch to Oh Eff Eff before crossing meridian.

BILL
Will you please put your foot down, Dave.

DAVE
Traffic mate. Nothing I can do.

BILL
Don’t have much time Dave.

GLORIA
There never is time.
There is only Is

BILL
Pull into the next garage.

DAVE
What?

BILL
The next garage.

DAVE
I thought you just...

BILL
I’ve got to get the Missus a present now you’ve killed my bird.

DAVE
So it’s all my fault.

BILL
Not entirely.

DAVE
What d’you mean not entirely?
I saved you’re life.

BILL
Hardly.

DAVE
I saved everyone’s life.

BILL
But you didn’t know you were saving anyone’s life.
If you hadn’t...

CARL
STOP!

DAVE & BILL
What?

CARL
Garage.

BILL
Dave, you sort the petrol, me and Carl will sort the present.

FX walking away
INT. GARAGE SHOP. DAY

BILL
You start that end, Carl.

CARL
Are you sure Bill?

BILL
Yeah, there’s loads of stuff here, must be something.

CARL
But will she actually want any of it?

BILL
Can’t go home empty handed, Carl, that is rule number one, in how to keep The Missus sweet.

INT.GARAGE CASHIER’S WINDOW.DAY

DAVE
Pump number 6 mate, and a .... Dark Chocolate Chunky Kitkat.

CHANCE
Cool.
DAVE
You what?

CHANCE
Dark Chocolate Chunky Kitkat, my favourite too man.

DAVE
Oh right, apparently the least favourite in the many and varied versions of the Kitkat brand.

CHANCE
(through a mouthful of Kitkat)
Cool.

INT.GARAGE SHOP.DAY

CARL
How about drinking vessel holder?

BILL
No. And no batteries neither.
She definitely doesn’t want any more batteries.

CARL
Jump leads?

BILL
No. She has a set already.

CARL
New set of windscreen wipers?

BILL
Nothing vehicular Carl.

CARL
Magic Curtain?

BILL
What’s that?
CARL
It says here...

BILL
That’ll do. And a bunch of blue flowers.

CARL
What’s going on out there?
Over by Gloria?

BILL
Bit of a fight.
Where’s Dave?

CARL
It is Dave.

BILL
And some long haired bloke, looks like a Viking?

CARL
A Viking?

BILL
Not again...

FX Bill & Carl run out the door.

BILL
Oy Dave, mate.

EXT: GARAGE
Sfx: sounds of a street fight..

CARL
That lad is definitely not a Viking.

BILL
Looks like Dave’s taking quite a beating.

CARL
Should we intervene?

BILL
errr.. Maybe give it a minute... or two...

CARL
Or three...

DAVE
(Out of breath) Phew, hold on a sec before we go for round two...
Hey Chance... I like that name.
Cindy always had a way with words... Now look son....

CHANCE
I .
Told.
You.
Not.
To.
Call.
Me.
Son.

DAVE & CHANCE SING FIGHT SONG.

DAVE
Hey kid that blow was low

CHANCE
Check out the flow of the taekwondo

DAVE
Take some nutting

CHANCE
We Call it butting

BILL & CARL
Check out the young and the old stags rutting

DAVE
I’m The Man that can land a mighty back-hander

CHANCE
Oldster please - your moves are cheese

BILL
Dave’s got power

CARL
The kid’s got speed

DAVE
Ohh.. Jeez.. ohh.... Blimey!

CHANCE
I don’t stop and I won’t stop
Till I take down my old pop

DAVE
What you say?

CHANCE
Pop?

DAVE
What

CHANCE
Old man?

DAVE
I beg y’pardon

CHANCE
Dad?

DAVE
Son?

DAVE (CON’T)
O.K.
You turned me, you burned me
No come on kid and learn me

CHANCE
Don’t smack it or thwack it
Use your opponent's energy to crack it

DAVE
Like this?

CHANCE
That’s wack

DAVE
Like this?

CHANCE
Yeah like that.. Yeah

DAVE
Yeah...

CARL
Happy families, eh?

BILL
I think you should maybe take a dive Dave.

CARL
That lad seems to have the better of you.

DAVE
Hey, Chance, you are my son. Get used to it.
I’m going to have to.

You are the result of a brief but passionate and heartfelt moment of unbridled romantic love in a boat on the Small World ride at Disneyland...

The meaning of family fun in every sense of the word.

I loved your mum.
These two will tell you how I have been going on her for twenty odd years.
I wish she had contacted me but she didn’t.

I wish I had taken you to ... errr.. Baseball...

CHANCE
I hate Baseball.

DAVE
Yeah.. Baseball is bollocks, I would have taken you to West Ham.

CHANCE
What is West Ham?

DAVE
That is a question I have often asked myself son.

INT.VAN.DAY
Underscore - Special Brew

BILL
One thing, that’s all you had to do.

DAVE
I did it, didn’t I?

CHANCE
This ride is like totally awesome, man.

BILL
Now, can we please get back to Deptford.
The Missus is going to love this Magic Curtain.

CHANCE
What does that button do?

DAVE
Don’t touch nothing, son.

GLORIA
You may take the high road or you may take the low road but do not cross the line.

CARL
So, Dave, let me get this straight, we stopped in the garage.

DAVE
Yeah.

CARL
And while me and Bill was getting his Missus an anniversary present...

BILL
Magic curtain and a new socket set.

DAVE
Magnetic what?

BILL
And... bunch a flowers.

CHANCE
Yeah.... flowers, pretty.... cool, man, blue is like my favourite colour.

CARL
You engaged in conversation with this young man.

DAVE
Yeah, we both like Dark Chocolate Chunky Kitkat.
What’s the chance of that?

CARL
Indeed, Dave, quite slim given the nature of the Dark Chocolate Chunky Kitkat.
However, it is even more remarkable that it turns out, he is your... son?

DAVE
Yeah, that is pretty remarkable.

CHANCE
Awesome.

BILL
Claims to be your son.

DAVE
What d’you mean by that Bill?

BILL
Just saying.

DAVE
Well you can stop saying ‘Just Saying’ and start sayin’ real son right now.
He’s my boy.

BILL
How can you be sure of that?

DAVE
Cos Cindy is his mum right?
And I had a ... very deep and meaningful relationship with her, twenty years ago and he’s ... how old are you son?

CHANCE
Like 19

DAVE
See?

BILL
Yeah Dave, Cindy Wachowski, we all know about your ... deep and meaningful relationship with Cindy Wachowski.
However, and I don’t wish to cast aspersions on your mum, son...

CHANCE
It’s cool man, she loves flowers too.

BILL
Err right... so I’m just saying, she may have had other boyfriends. After you left California.

CARL
He has got a point Dave.

DAVE
Lads... Lads I appreciate your concern. And obviously, I have taken that into consideration. But just look at us? Peas in a pod.

BILL
You’re not exactly muscular, blonde and tanned Dave.

CARL
No, Dave, you’re skinny with dark hair and you don’t even like the sun.

DAVE
He’s got blue eyes.
I’ve got blue eyes.
He’s a surfer,
I enjoy a swim now and then.
He likes Dark Chocolate Chunky Kitkat and I...

BILL
Yeah, I get it.

DAVE
And then we end up here, now, in the same garage.
It is a remarkable coincidence.

CHANCE
And that has like so never happened to me before.

DAVE
Me neither, another remarkable coincidence, see.

CARL
He’s certainly got Dave’s logic.

DAVE
And for the record, I loved your mum, son, very much, and if things had been different I would have stayed with her in California.
But me visa ‘ad run out and she was going off to college and... if I’d known about you... anyway you’re here now.

CHANCE
Awesome.

SONG: MAY THE ROAD

GLORIA
May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May you know nothing but happiness
May true be the hearts that love you.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

INT.VAN.DAY

BILL
Greenwich, thank god, just watch you don’t get caught in the one-way system, Dave.

GLORIA
And do not cross the line.

DAVE
Bill, will you just let me do the driving.

BILL
Just saying Dave, we don’t want to end up...

GLORIA
It may be a fine line between here and there but always switch time-drive to neutral before you cross.

DAVE
I got you here haven’t I
Despite doing battle with a load of Vikings, which I had to save you from...

BILL
You what?
If it hadn’t been for you being an idiot to start with...

DAVE
Idiot?

GLORIA
Do not cross the line.

BILL
Yeah, Dave, an idiot.
You got us into that mess, swapping the charter...

DAVE
I did what I thought I had to do to save your kids and your Missus.

BILL
Exactly, you thought.
And look what happened?
What always happens when you think, Dave?
Just like that time in Kew...

DAVE
Oh here we go, you never let it go will you.
Bill, one mistake...

BILL
One? What about that time in Pevenssey?
Remember Pevenssey Dave?
Do you want to talk about Pevenssey?

DAVE
No, Bill, I do not want to talk about Pevenssey to ya and you said you would never mention Pevenssey again.

CARL
You did Bill, you said, whatever happens in Pevenssey, stays in Pevenssey.

DAVE
Exactly, thank you Carl, so why you bringing it up now.
In front of Chance?
You want to mock me in front of my boy?
You want him to think I’m an idiot?
You’re just jealous.

BILL
Jealous?

DAVE
Yeah jealous. You’re jealous now and you always have been.
Ever since Mrs. Butterworth put my picture on the wall in Dawson Infants School all those years ago...

BILL
Oh leave it out Dave...

DAVE
You’ve got no idea...

DAVE SINGS IT’S SO HARD BEING DAVE TO THE END.

DAVE
It's so hard being Dave
So hard being Dave
No one knows the pain of being Dave...
Except Dave.

To most people Dave is just another four letter word.
Imagine the disappointment you felt when you realised that your parents lacked the imagination to name you anything but....

CHOIR
Dave ahh...

DAVE
Do you know what is Dave worth on scrabble?
Not much.
Why is it in the pub when someone calls out "DAVE"
They never mean me?
The TV channel bearing my name only plays repeats.
(Think about it)
Carl once said:

CARL
"The unbearable ubiquity of being Dave"

DAVE
What's that even mean?
I do my best you know - I let people down but I do do my
best.
Bill & Carl don’t get me.
I’ve no idea why they want to be my mates.

It's so hard being Dave
So very very hard to be Dave
No one knows the pain of being Dave...
Except Dave.

CHOIR
Dave ahh...
Dave ahh...
Dave ahh...
Dave ahh...

GLORIA
Greenwich Meridian ahead
Slow Down
(More forcefully)
Greenwich Meridian ahead
Slow Down
SLOW DOWN
SLOW DOWN 
Watch out!
Stop!
Danger!
Danger ahead!

You stupid pillocks do not take a time machine through The Greenwich Meridian. 

Don't do it.

DON'T DRIVE A TIME MACHINE THROUGH THE GREENWICH MERIDIAN.

Do not be a twonk.

Oh no....
SFX: Explosion as Van crosses The Greenwich Meridien

GLORIA
Slowing down
Not feeling well.
System malfunction
What have you done?
Slowing slowing slowing down
You do not understand what you have done..
Goodbye
I love you
You Twattocks... 

FX Gloria dies.

DAVE
What’s happened?

CARL
Dunno, and I can’t even Google it, me phones
not working.

BILL
Mine neither.

CHANCE
Dude, this is cool.

DAVE
(concerned)
Er... I'm not sure it is, son.

FX: Low hum by dozens of people – growing

CARL
I’m thinking, maybe we should have read the manual,
first. Where is it?

BILL
(concerned)
Bit late now.

CARL
It says here: ‘Always ensure The Dominion 4890 Time Machine time-drive is switched to the “Oh-Eff-Eff position before crossing any constant longitude passing through a given place on the earth's surface... and the terrestrial poles.

BILL
Terrestrial poles?
What like the Greenwich Merridian.

CARL
Exactly like the Greenwich Merridian.

DAVE
And was it switched to Oh-Eff-Eff?

CARL
Errr... no.

BILL
So what happens if it’s not switched to Oh-Eff-Eff?

CARL
Everything.
Everything happens.
All at once.
Everything connects to everything else.

DAVE
Carl If you keep talking that hippie tosh I swear I'll punch you in the mouth.

CHANCE
Awesome.

FX: Hum gets louder...

DAVE
Hey

CHANCE
Man

DAVE
What’s that sound?

DAVE
Everyone look...

CHANCE
What’s going down?

CARL
Mmm.. I think Dave is his Dad.

BILL
What’s that crowd of people ... over there, millin’ about like a bunch of spaced out idiots?

DAVE
Cars - all stopped.
The lights are out.
Everyone's walking about with smiles on their faces.
I'm not sure I like that.

CARL
It says here, everything connects to one and by crossing the line while set in time-drive mode we seem to have inadvertantly opened a portal.

It’s a basic Oh-En-Stroke-Oh-Eff-Eff problem.

DAVE
Hold the technical talk Carl.

BILL
Don’t like the look of that lot.
Lock your doors.
Stay in the van.

CARL
This whole thing is really weird Bill.
I don’t know what to suggest

DAVE
Sod this.

BILL
Where are you going?

FX opening van door.

DAVE
I’m going for a walk.

SFX: Van door slams.

BILL
Typical.

EXT.DAVELAND.DAY

FX: A drone of “daaaave”

DAVE
(to himself)
Want something done do it y’self right.
I saved ‘em once I can do it again.
Bill will see.
I’ll show him.
Hold on...
What happened here.
Look at it.
What a mess.
All the cars broken down.
No lights.
Oh my god... look at that.
“The Chicken Crib”, “The Chicken Cottage” and “The 24 hour Luxury Chicken Chateau” all closed - and they are always open.
Total desolation.
Hold on, that lot over there.
They look like they might know something...

Hey guys…

FX the droning stops

DAVE
The power all went off.
Where’s the power?

THE DAVE 1
Power is not cool man.

DAVE
What is cool?

THE DAVE 1
Dave is cool

DAVE
But I’m Dave.

THE DAVE 1
We are Dave.

DAVE
But I am Dave.

THE DAVE
We are Dave - Dave is cool
DAVE
I am?

THE DAVE
We Are

THE DAVE
Dave

THE DAVE
Dave

THE DAVE
Dave

THE DAVE
Dave

A short beat: The rest of “The Dave” join in..

THE DAVE
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave...
More Daves join in. An endless loop of Daves saying “Dave”

THE DAVE
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave...

INT.VAN.DAY

BILL
(Sigh) What has he done now?

CHANCE
Hey Dude, leave the man alone.

BILL
What?

CHANCE
Taking a pop at my Pop, man.
Maybe just stop with that.

BILL
Na, the thing is Chance, you don’t know him.
What you got to understand is...

CHANCE
What I understand is you laying bad vibes on my pops.

BILL
EH?(pause as Bill thinks about this)

BILL
We’re mates, I’m his...

CHANCE
You may say you’re the dude’s dude but you do not act like the dude’s dude

BILL
Na, you got it wrong.

CHANCE
Why you so mean Bill?

CARL
Hey, you two pack it will ya?

Now where’s Dave got to?

EXT.DAVELAND.DAY

DAVE
Whoo...
That’s was somethin’ wern’t it eh?
Where was I?

THE DAVE
It’s so cool being Dave

DAVE
Is it?

THE DAVE
So cool to being Dave

DAVE
Really?

THE DAVE
Dave. Dave. Dave.
Dave. Dave.
Dave. Dave.

DAVE
Dave.

THE DAVE
Dave.

DAVE
Dave.

THE DAVE
Dave.

DAVE
Dave.

THE DAVE
Dave.

DAVE
Dave.

THE DAVE
Dave.

DAVE
What’s going on?
Where am I?
I can’t remember?
Oh Yeah.
I can see everything.
Wow.
That is amazing.
Who am I?

THE DAVE
Dave.

INT.VAN.DAY

BILL
Carl, what exactly happened when we crossed the line?

CARL
Err...
(reading through the manual)
Apparently, whatever was being projected from within will be whatever is projected out, and so become the underling force connecting everything.... blah blah blah.

Oh, ‘that which is given attention will grow....’

BILL
Meaning?

CARL
What was going on when we crossed the line?

BILL
Dave was on one.
Having a rant.

CHANCE
Yeah... my Dad was lamenting the condition of Dave.

CARL
So, if that was being emitted from the van at the time we crossed the line, then that’s what was projected onto the blank slate of all human consciousness around the entire planet.

BILL
(sharp intake of breath)
Are you saying that everyone out there is... Dave?

CHANCE
Man, that is so cool…

BILL
Cool?

CHANCE
Yeah, man, like we’re in Daveland.

BILL
Daveland?
CARL
Essentially, yes.

CHANCE
Cool.

CARL
Not cool.

BILL
You’re telling me.

CHANCE
Hey, Chill Bill.

CARL
The thing is, our Dave is now the essence from which “The Dave” have been created.

BILL
Blimey.

CHANCE
Wow..

BILL
So what, he’s like a god?
Please don’t say they are going to worship him or something.


CARL
No, not exactly.

CHANCE
So what will happen when my dad meets “The Dave”?

CARL
“The Dave” will have to reduce Dave’s molecular structure to a base element in order to thrive.

BILL
In plain English Carl, what does that mean?

CARL
They are going to suck the living Dave out of Dave!

CHANCE
Bummer.

BILL
So, what?
We just go out there and nab him right?

CARL
The problem is though Bill, we have to get back across the Meridian through the same portal we opened or we will be stuck here. Forever.

BILL
So how do we do that?

CARL
That’s the easy bit ...
We push van back across the Meridien line with The Dominion 4890 Time Machine time-drive switched to the “Oh-Eff-Eff” position to restore normal service.

BILL
That sounds easy enough.

CARL
Except we have to do it pretty soon, before the portal re-seals.
We really should have read the manual.

CHANCE
How do we get him back?

CARL
We would need to stun The Dave in order to have enough time to get Dave away from “The Dave” and get our “Dave” out of there.

CHANCE
So we go grab my dad....
Then push the van back across the line?

CARL
Exactly, that’s our chance, Chance, but we’re going to be cutting it fine.
And there is only a little bit of power left in the time-drive.

BILL
Don’t matter mate.
We don’t leave a man behind.
Not Dave.
Not on my watch.

CHANCE
Cool, dude.

BILL
What do you need?

CARL
Well... if Chance has the essence of Dave in him ...

CHANCE
Man, that is who I am.

CARL
And Bill, you’re pretty much the antithesis of Dave then all we need is a traumatic memory of his to repel the Dave long enough for us to get in and get him out.

BILL
Glastonbury.

FX Spooky music

CARL
Yeah... Glastonbury.

BILL
Do you think he could cope reliving that?.

CARL
He’s gonna have to if we are going to get out of this.

CHANCE
What happened at Glastonbury?
Bill & Carl are uneasy at having to tell the story to Chance.

CARL
It was horrible.

BILL
It was during the 2nd Gulf War.

CARL
Dave was hired to take the van full of handmade bespoke plant-based burgers to Glastonbury.

BILL
Some hippies enticed Dave into one of their tents.

CARL
They said they were going to clean his chakras

BILL
But they didn’t.

CHANCE
What did they do?

BILL
They milked his prostate...

CARL
...For four days straight.

CHANCE
Oh god...

They take a moment to digest the seriousness of the tragedy.

CARL
One thing, Bill,

BILL
Yeah?

CARL
There a risk.
During the transmogrification process if the time-drive either over heats or cuts out you may become one of “The Dave”.

BILL
Then it’s a risk I’ll have to take.

CHANCE
Bill

BILL
Yeah...

CHANCE
You’re a dude - dude.

BILL
Cheers mate.

CARL
Right.I’ve been able to track Dave down.
It appears they have him holed up.

BILL
Where?

CARL
In a shed.

BILL
A shed - of course.

CHANCE
What is a shed?

BILL
The shed is Dave’s true spiritual home.

CHANCE
Why?

SONG: DOWN THE SHED

BILL
(sings)
Down the shed
Down the shed
You’ll always see Dave smiling when he’s down the shed.
Down the shed
Down the shed
A man is truly happy when he’s down the shed.

CARL
An Englishman’s home may be castle
But his shed is a self contained universe
Apparently bound by four wooden walls and a decent padlock
But metaphysically holding all the mystery of human existence

BILL
I put on the kettle, played some heavy metal

CARL
I made a coffee table for me Auntie Mabel

BILL
I watched Stoke vs. Leeds on a dodgy feed

CARL
I had a game of snap and took a well deserved nap

BILL & CARL
Down the shed
Down the shed
You’ll always see me smiling when I’m down the shed
Down the shed
Down the shed
A man is truly happy when he’s down the shed.
Over Backing track of “Down The Shed”

CHANCE
OK let’s do this.

CARL
Ok sit still. I’ve just got to plug you guys into the Dominion4890 de-transmogrification unit and send out the signal

BILL
Plug me in Carl.
Over the verse of “Down The Shed”


CARL
OK. Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream

CHANCE
Down the shed

BILL
Down the shed

CARL
Lay down all thought, surrender to the void

CHANCE & BILL
Down the shed, Down the shed

CARL
That you may see the meaning of within

CHANCE & BILL
Down the shed, Down the shed

CARL
Dave is all and Dave is everyone.

CARL CHANCE & BILL
Down the shed
Down the shed
A man is truly happy when he’s down...
Track stops and the rhythm to “Check Your Prostate” begins

CARL
OK… the manual says that when Bill and Chance have reached total Dave immersion - which appears to be complete - I send out the trauma.

Right… I hope this works. Here we go.
Massive crack.Bill and Chance scream

CARL
What have I done?
Chance?
Bill?
Are you ok?

CHANCE & BILL
Check your prostate
Go check your prostate

CARL
Phew - I was worried there for a min.

CHANCE & BILL
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate

CARL
(To himself)
Right, here we go -
Number 1: I’ve got some flat pack instructions from IKEA.
Number 2: I’ve got a slinky.
And 3: a signed program from the 1980 F.A. Cup Final.

That should do it. Here we go...
Carl leaves the van we hear the mass hoard of The Dave in turmoil.

EXT: DAVELAND

CARL
(to himself)
God - there’s thousands of them.

THE DAVE
Daveah, Daveah, Daveah, Daveah

CARL
Ok Carl stay calm.
If you are confronted by “The Dave” you have to distract them.
Confuse them.
Remember “The Dave” will get messed up by things that will baffle or excites the real Dave.

We hear THE DAVE approach Carl.

THE DAVE
Daveah, Daveah, Daveah, Daveah

CARL
Hello guys,

THE DAVE
Alright..

THE DAVE go quiet.

CARL
Erm, look, I’m putting up a wardrobe in my living room.
I was wondering if you would mind helping me put it together.

THE DAVE
No problem mate

CARL
I’ve got the assembly instructions right here...

THE DAVE
Aghhhh.... Not IKEA. No no no.....

THE DAVE scream and run off.

CARL
Excellent, like a charm.
Now what about that lot?

THE DAVE
Daveah, Daveah, Daveah, Daveah.

CARL
Do you know what this is?

THE DAVE
Yeah..

THE DAVE sound uneasy.

CARL
Yes... It’s... A.... SLIKNY

Complete hysteria from THE DAVE as they run away.

CARL
Wow, that memory of Dave not being able to get a slinky to work on his stairs as a kid must have been more traumatic than I thought.

OK, there’s the shed now where’s Dave?

THE DAVE
Daveah, Daveah, Daveah, Daveah.

CARL
There must be five hundred of ‘em surrounding it.
This better work.
If it doesn’t none of us are getting back home.

THE DAVE
Daveah, Daveah, Daveah, Daveah.

CARL
Dave

THE DAVE
Dave!

CARL
The Dave
THE DAVE
Yes.

CARL
Errr...
THE DAVE
You are Not Dave

CARL
No mate. I’m Carl

THE DAVE
If you are not Dave you are not cool.

CARL
Errr... Sorry about that, but I am Carl

THE DAVE
Carl is NOT cool

CARL
Awww..

THE DAVE
Dave IS Cool

CARL
Yeah yeah..

THE DAVE
If you are not cool you must be culled

CARL
Killed?

THE DAVE
Culled.

CARL
Oh culled.
Well - killed, culled - same thing really innit?

THE DAVE
What do you ask The Dave

CARL
I have something here that you want.
Something that you need.
A Dave’s most treasured possession.
A signed program.
West Ham Cup F.A. Cup 1980.
Yeah, they’re all on there.
Billy Bonds.
Trevor Brooking.
Alvin Martin.
Frank Lampard (the real one not the fat one).
And even little Paul Allen.
Yeah you want it don’t you?

THE DAVE
YES!!

CARL
I am going to place it right here and who ever gets to it first can have it.
Are you ready?

THE DAVE
YES!!

CARL
3-2-1... Go!

THE DAVE
Ahghhh...

SFX: We hear The Dave tearing themselves apart tearing to get to the program.

CARL
(To himself)
Oh my God.
They are animals.
They are tearing each other apart.
Blimey.
That’s disgusting.
He just ripped out that blokes liver.
Wow...
I didn’t know it meant that much to Dave.
Woah...
I’m out of here..

SFX: In the distance we hear Bill & Chance sending out their signal from the van.

BILL & CHANCE
Don’t worry mate.
Don’t hesitate.
Don’t bother wait.
Don’t leave it too late.
Don’t worry mate.
Don’t hesitate.
Don’t bother wait.
Don’t leave it to fate.

EXT: THE SHED

CARL
Now that’s a shed.
Down the shed
Down the shed
A man is truly happy when he’s down the shed.

CARL
Wow... This is the most amazing shed I’ve ever seen.
It’s got everything.
Look, a bank of teles showing all the footie and the cricket and the darts.
Re-runs of The Sweeney - Columbo.
A snooker table, Subbuteo, it’s got a slottie...
And is that a bar in a shed.
A bar in a shed.
A bar in a shed.
Oh I could live in a shed like that...
With Dave.
I could BE Dave.
Dave.
Dave.
Dave..

A chorus of Dave join Carl in an ever rising cresendo. CUT!
EIRIE VERSION OF BARKING TO DEPTFORD.