INTRO BY THE CARPET SALESMAN

THE CARPET SALESMAN
Chapter seven of Men With Ven - Driving from Barking To Deptford is brought to you by The South East London Tourist Board.

JINGLE
There’s no need to go abroad.
With The South East London Tourist Board.
We’ve got things you can all afford.
With The South East London Tourist Board.
A nice day out rest assured.
South East London Tourist Board.

NARRATOR
Life is largely violence filth death and drink... and if you are lucky a cuddle at the end of the day.

THE CARPET SALESMAN
Listen!!!
Closely
A one time offer
What do you have to lose. (apart from your mind that is.)

Freida IS Freya
Oddman IS Odin
Women ARE crazy
Men ARE stupid

BILL DAVE CARL
On the road from Barking to Deptford.

Carl found his mum.
Dave found his son.
Bill doesn’t want to be late home for The Missus
And you are in for the ride of your life.
The Louder you scream the faster we go

Sic Transit Gloria - There goes the glory of the world.
We she return?
Has she never gone away?
Who can say - Streptococcus Pyogenes

Viv - Vivien - Viv - Vivien - Viv - Vivien - Vivien - Viv
Make your mind up love we haven’t got all day.

And who the devil is Matt Percival?

Almost home down The Trafalgar Road when a simple Oh Enn Stroke Oh Eff Eff problem threw a spanner in the works of Heidegger and Hegel.
And we all know someone called Dave don’t we?

And after all that Carl is being seduced by a Shed when all he really wants is Ethel.

This really is the end.

NARRATOR
Previously on Men With Ven - Driving From Barking To Deptford.

EXT: THE SHED

SUNG
Down the shed.
Down the shed.
A man Is truly happy when he’s down....

CARL
Wow... This is the most amazing shed I’ve ever seen.
It’s got everything.
Look, a bank of teles showing all the footie and the cricket and the darts.
Re-runs of The Sweeney - Columbo.
A snooker table, Subeuteo, it’s got a slottie...
And is that a bar in a shed.
A bar in a shed.
A bar in a shed. Oh I could live in a shed like that...
With Dave.
I could be Dave.
Dave.
Dave.
Dave..
A chorus of Dave join Carl in an ever rising cresendo.

CARL
No! Pull yourself together Carl.
You know what you’ve got to do.
You are NOT Dave, you are Carl - Carl.
You are here to rescue Dave.
Now get a grip.
You are going into the shed NOW!

Carl bursts into the shed.

CARL
This is not a bad shed actually as far as sheds go.
Now where’s Dave Dave? Dave? Dave? Dave? Dave!

DAVE
Who is Dave?

CARL
You are Dave

DAVE
I can’t be Dave?

CARL
Why?

DAVE
Dave is cool

CARL
You are cool

DAVE
I am?

CARL
Yes, very cool.
Can we go now please?

DAVE
(sings a bit drunkenly)
It’s Ok Being Dave.

CARL
We haven’t got time for that mate.
Get on my back.
I’ll carry you.
Let’s go.

SFX: Carl carry Dave to the van the van

INT: VAN
SFX: Carl bursts in panting with Dave on his back. Dave is unconscious.

CARL
Bill - Chance are you alright?

CHANCE
I’m cool.
We cool?

BILL
We are Dave..

CARL
Bill? Oh no...

BILL
Nah mate - I’m having you on...
I’m fine.
Is Dave alright?

Dave is incoherent in the background

CARL
No mate.
He is not in a good way at all.
Right now we have to push Gloria over the Meridian or we will be stuck in this version of reality forever.

DAVE
I want a poo poo.

BILL
Chance - stay in the van and look after your dad.

CHANCE
Cool.

DAVE
Hello son.

BILL
C’mon Carl - let’s get to work.

CARL
Alright.

SFX: Creaking van. Sounds of Bill and Carl pushing the van.

BILL
Yes Carl, we did it.

CARL
Oh that took something...

BILL
Hold on a minute - nothings happened. I thought you said that..

CARL
I did Bill but..
I just don’t get it. What’s going on?

GLORIA
Good Morning.

SHAZAM!

INT.FREIDA’S CAR.DAY

Music - Back Of My Cab

ETHEL
You’re right, Freya, Carl is a good man.

FREYA
He is, Ethel.

ETHEL
And there aren’t many of them about.

VIV
(Vivien’s voice)
You’re not wrong there.

ETHEL
I’d be a fool to just walk away from him, not now.

ODIN
It is a wise woman that knows the measure of a man.

FREYA
Oh Oddman, my love, I’d forgotten what a lovely speaking voice you have.

ODIN
(chuckling)
Thank you, my love.

ETHEL
What’ll do...
I call Carl and tell him it’s fine, he can...

VIV
‘Ere is that your Carl over there?

ETHEL
Yeah, him and Bill, pushing the van.

FREYA
Oh yeah, Odin darling....
Pull over, my little Sterling Moss.

ODIN
Who?

EX.TRAFALGAR RD.DAY
FX traffic, horns beeping.

ETHEL
Carl! Carl!

CARL
Eth, you doing here?

ETHEL
Carl, what’s happened?
Gloria broken down?

CARL
Long story, love.

ETHEL
Oh Carl.

FX kissing

ETHEL
I want to talk to you Carl.

CARL
No - I want to talk to you.

ETHEL
No, Carl, listen... I’m sorry, about earlier, what I said,
I don’t want to push you into...

CARL
No Ethel, quiet please...

EHTEL
But...

CARL
I’ve decided what we are going to do.

ETHEL
Oh Carl.

CARL
I’m going to put my foot down about this one.
I’ve made up my mind.
I am insisting we do exactly what you said we should do.

ETHEL
Oh Carl?

CARL
I’m going to move into the pub, Eth.
I’m going to move in with you.

ETHEL
Ooh Carl.

CARL
And make babies.

ETHEL
Ooh Carl.

INT.FREYA’S CAR.DAY
FREYA
Oh look, isn’t that lovely: Ethel and Carl.
She deserves a bit of fun, bless her.

ODIN
Indeed my sweet, it is a wise man that understands the power of surrendering to a higher power.

FREYA
Oh my love, I really got lucky when I stumbled into you.

ODIN
And now we have much to prepare and look forward to.

FREYA
We do?

ODIN
Why, yes, with our new found freedom from the shackles of warring, we now have the opportunity to relax, to live life on our terms.
Perhaps connect with old friends and family.

FREYA
Are sure you want to do that?
Your family can be a bit...

ODIN
We can pursue fresh dreams, new goals.
There are many new challenges ahead as we now grow old together.

FREYA
Really?
What like aches and pains and mobility scooters?

ODIN
No, no, my love, growing old is not what it was.
With the societal changes and shifts of the last few decades, the elderly population of the UK alone, now matches the numbers of teenagers.

FREYA
So lots of old people, is that what you are saying?

ODIN
Yes, but there is much to enjoy beyond our working years.
I was thinking we might move to the coast.

FREYA
The coast?
ODIN
I feel the call of The Air... and the B and the B...

FREYA
Where?

SONG WHITSTABLE

ODIN
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
Incredible - a spectacle
The people are hospitable
Their love, unconditional
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
I hear the beer is drinkable
To leave would be unthinkable
Whitstable

FREYA
Are you sure Odin my love?

ODIN
Whitstable has been home to many famous people
Peter Cushing, Henry Kissinger, Russ Conway
Even Matt Percival has been spotted on several occasions
George Orwell visited Whitstable Harbour’s first Mermaid Brothel
The Happy Finnish
It closed ironically in 1984.

FREYA
I never knew that...

ODIN
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
It’s mystical

FREYA
Biblical

ODIN
The women are dependable

FREYA
The men delectable

ODIN
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
The joy you feel perpetual

FREYA
To leave would be unthinkable
Whitstable.

FREYA
If you are happy I am happy.
Let’s ride.

INT.VAN.DAY

GLORIA
Impact imminent.
Are you having an impact or feeling one?
What effects do you have?
What do you cause?
Are you responsible for your impact?
Your past is present.

BILL
Dave.

CHANCE
Dad.

BILL
Dave.

CHANCE
Dad.

BILL
Dave...
Come on mate, pull it together.
We got stuff to do.
I’m sorry mate, about what I said.
‘Bout what said about you being an idiot, you’re not an idiot Dave, you’re a hero.
You saved my life, you saved all our lives.
You killed the parrot….(cries) for us.
I can’t do this without you mate.
I need you Dave.

CHANCE
Dude... I think...

BILL
No chance, Chance, don’t say it.
Don’t even think it.
He’s going to be alright.
He’s got to be.
We done everything together since we were kids.
He can’t ... Dave’s the best bloke I’ve ever met.
He’s legend.

Without Dave I’m...
I’m nothing ...
I’m just a man... with a van.

DAVE
Aaagh...

BILL
Dave... Dave... Dave... Dave... Daaaave...

DAVE
You’re not just a man with a van.

BILL
You what mate?

DAVE
We are men.... with Ven.

CHANCE
What’s he saying?

BILL
He’s delirious.

CHANCE
But he’s alive.

DAVE
Men With Ven live by the code.
We live in the world but we are not of it.

Our journey from Barking to Deptford is everyones journey... Going out day after day.
Doing their best to make a crust of bread.

Facing obstructions, barriers, blockages & booby-traps, often constructed by ourselves.

But we dismantle them
We demolish them.
We march on.

Men With Ven live by the code.
Become the code.
Are the code everyday.
It is the very core of who we are.

CHANCE
The core?

DAVE
The Code.

CHANCE
What is it?

SONG: THE CODE

DAVE
Never grass - End of.

Always respect ya mother ...and never show the back of your
dry hand anyone of the superior sex.

Never on no occasion talk to The Old Bill…
Unless it involves nonces of course.

Always watch your mates back
And a real mate will always watch yours.

Never lend more than you are willing to lose.
Love many trust few & always paddle your own canoe.

If in doubt chuck it in the canal.

Walk (or bowl along) with your shoulders back - smartly
dressed.
You may be skint but your pride has no price.

Keep a 20 in your sock - just incase.

And finally…
Always respect your van ...without her you are a pedestrian.

A code laugh by
A code to cry by
A code to live by
A code to die by
The Code.

A code laugh by
A code to cry by
A code to live by
A code to die by
The Code

The Code
My Dad gave it to me.

The Code
His Dad gave it to him.

The Code
And now it’s yours.

The Code
Walk your own path son... you know the way.

DAVE
Chance, give me your phone.

BILL
You don’t want to make a call now mate, save your strength.

DAVE
No I’m gonna Carpe Diem it.
I should have done this a long time ago.

FX American phone tone.

CINDY
Hello? Hello?

DAVE
Cindy?

CINDY
Oh Dave...

EXT.STREET.DAY

VIV
Oy Vivien, look.

VIVIEN
What?

VIV
Oh, that’s nice.
Dave’s found his family, Ethel and Carl have made up and aww... look... Freya and Odin.


VIVIEN
Really Viv?
What snogging?

VIV
Finding true love.

VIVIEN
Oy… get a room!

VIV
Leave ‘em, they’re happy.

VIVIEN
I s’pose.. Eh, Remember when we tried to commune with nature?

VIV
Oh yeah, by spending a year as a badger.

VIVIEN
We found out it really is a dog eat dog world.

VIVIEN
Worse. It’s a dog eat badger world.

SONG: STREPTOCOCCUS PYOGENES

VIV/VIVIEN
We’ve been many things
Over space and time

VIV
A boxer

VIVIEN
A painter

VIV
A turtle

VIVIEN
A traitor

VIV
An oak

VIVIEN
A crusader

VIV
A father

VIVIEN
A failure

VIV
A drunk who’s lost his mind

VIVIEN
But the time come again

VIV
To reassign and redefine

VIV/VIVIEN
We will last forever
So let’s pull ourselves together

VIV/VIVIEN
And be one

VIVIEN
What like get it together

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
More like be at one with ourselves

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
Make a fresh start

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
Y’know, back to basics

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
Like the water in the sea

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
Like the leaves on the tree

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIVIEN
I know what we can be..

VIV
What?

VIVIEN
Streptococcus Pyogenes

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
What’s that?

VIVIEN
A single cell amoeba

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
Ameb who?

VIVIEN
Y’know a bit of bacteria

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
Yeah that pretty basic

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one

VIV
I like it - Something to work from

VIV/VIVIEN
Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
And Be One

Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
Be one
Streptococcus Pyogenes
And Be One

EXT. STREET.

CHANCE
So.... what happens now?

BILL
Home? - S’pose.

DAVE
I think I need a holiday after all that.

CARL
Where you thinking of going?

DAVE
Dunno… Somewhere warm?
Perhaps err..
California?
Maybe?

CHANCE
Cool.

DAVE
Yeah, cool.

CARL
Lads. Do you mind if I borrow the van?

DAVE
Yeah sure.

BILL
No problem mate.

CARL
I’m heading back to my place.

ETHEL
Carl I thought?…

CARL
Pack up my stuff and drive back to The Spotted Dog.
Me and Eth are moving in.

BILL
About time.

DAVE
Hope you are going to get a haircut Carl

ETHEL
No… I like it.
A little bit spiritual, little bit warrior.

CARL
Oh..

ETHEL
Bill, what are you going to tell The Missus about…
Well… everything?

BILL
I’ll tell her what I always tell her.

ETHEL
What’s that?

BILL
The truth.

INT.BILL’S HOUSE.DAY

FX: Bill whistling “The Missus” key in, door opening

BILL
Helooo...
You in?
Anyone home?

THE MISSUS
You’re late

BILL
I know. I’m sorry love.

THE MISSUS
So what happened this time?

BILL
We were in The Spotted Dog in Barking...

THE MISSUS
That’s a big surprise...

BILL
...and Ethel gave us a little job taking some paperwork to her mate Jack in Canning Town. Well he fitted Gloria up for time-travel and we saw Carl’s mum.

THE MISSUS
But didn’t she...

BILL
Yeah, years ago. Weird right?

THE MISSUS
Not many.

BILL
Then Dave had a funny turn because I accidentally mentioned the ‘G’ word.

THE MISSUS (scared)
Not “Glastonbury?”

BILL
Then we went into the Blackwell Tunnel.

THE MISSUS
I’ve never liked the Blackwall Tunnel.

BILL
With good reason.
Anyway.
The Blackwall Tunnel was full of Einherjar...

THE MISSUS
Hiny who?

BILL
Vikings, and we had to fight ‘em off, me, Dave and Carl.
And Ethel.

THE MISSUS
Ethel?
BILL
Or Ethelburga as was, did you know she’s over a thousand years old?

THE MISSUS
Bill, honestly, mother nature can be very cruel to a woman but there’s no need to be rude.

BILL
No, I mean she’s immortal.
Or at least she was.
Oh and that old drunk Viv was there and all, but he was asleep most of the time.
Then Jason Statham turned up and apparently I died but I don’t remember that bit.
But I’m alright cos Carl learnt how to be a Samurai.
And then Carl and Ethel got together.

THE MISSUS
Aww... About time.

BILL
Yeah, but you’ll never guess what?

THE MISSUS
Try me.

BILL
That old Viv was actually a little girl!
And she’d made a curse, a thousand years ago...

THE MISSUS
A curse?

BILL
Well more of a spell really... but it meant that when we took a parrot into the tunnel...

THE MISSUS
A parrot?
I’ve always wanted a parrot.

BILL
I KNOW!
I got you one for our anniversary.

THE MISSUS
Oh Bill, that’s lovely.

BILL
But Dave went and chopped it’s head off...

THE MISSUS
Oh Bill, that’s awful.

BILL
Yes. And no.
Because the curse had a caveat...

THE MISSUS
A cavey what?

BILL
A sort of way out.
So once the bird was a gonna the Vikings disappeared and Ethel and Freya and Odin became mortal.

THE MISSUS
Who?

BILL
That’s Frieda and Oddman’s real names.

THE MISSUS
Frieda and Oddman?
The old trollope and her scary rent collector?

BILL
He’s alright once you get to know him.
Then Dave found out he was a dad...

THE MISSUS
He’s got a baby?
Oh no, not that one from the chippy?

BILL
Nah, the one from LA.
This baby is 19.

THE MISSUS
Bloody hell!

BILL
Yeah, that’s sort of what Dave said.
Anyway, then we drove Gloria through The Greenwich Meridian which started some kind of hippie apocalypse.
Apparently, if you take a time machine across the Greenwich Meridian you can disappear up your own jacksie.

THE MISSUS
I never knew that

BILL
Neither did we which was a bit of a problem I can tell you.
Then Dave got captured by “The DAVE” and I thought I’d lost you forever but we got it sorted.

THE MISSUS
Really?
And how d’you do that?

BILL
We pushed Gloria backwards down The Trafalgar Road.

THE MISSUS
Aah... ‘course.

BILL
And that’s what happened.
Honest.
And that’s why I’m twenty minutes late.

SFX: Stony silence

THE MISSUS
Bill - Do you know why I love you?

BILL
I’ve never known that.

THE MISSUS
Because only you would go to the trouble of making up a ridiculous load of bollocks just because you are twenty minutes late.

BILL
But...

THE MISSUS
You are a wonderful man Bill but a rubbish liar.
It’s ok, you were probably just down the pub with those loser mates of yours.
It’s not the end of the world.

BILL
It almost was the end of the world.

THE MISSUS
Don’t be such a twonk.

BILL
I mean it.

SONG: THE SNOW IN GREENWICH PARK

BILL
I thought that time had peeled away
The feelings I once had
But seeing you again it’s clear
Nothing could stop me in a billion years
The snow in Greenwich Park disappears
But you make sure my heart keeps melting

THE MISSUS
No one knows how deep this goes
I lock it up inside

THE MISSUS & BILL
It’s just sometimes the past unwinds

BILL
And nothing can hide the longing in my eyes

THE MISSUS & BILL
The snow in Greenwich Park disappears

THE MISSUS
But you make sure my heart keeps melting

BILL
You make sure my heart keeps melting

SFX song ends - moment of silence

BILL
Now come here love give me a cuddle.

SFX sounds of sheets rumbling, giggling possibly kissing

THE MISSUS
Bloody hell Bill. Your feet are freezing.

BILL
Sorry love I...

SFX: Bill’s phone rings

BILL (Angry)
What?

DAVE
Bill, Sorry to interupt you mate.
I’d only call if it was important.

BILL
What is it?

DAVE
Matt Percival...
He’s back in Deptford.

BILL
Right...

DAVE
We’re outside in the van.

BILL
I’ll be right down.
(hangs up phone)
Here we go...

END TITLES

NARRATOR
You have been listening to Men With Ven - Driving From Barking To Deptford.

A Men With Ven production.
Produced and Directed by David Barratt.

Written by Men With Ven
Co-written by Jo Gardetta & Neville Farmer
Additional writing by Steve Graham & Fenella Fudge.

Songs by Men With Ven.

Men With Ven are Bill Clift, David Barratt & Carl Marsh

Driving From Barking To Deptford was recorded at The Abattoir Of Good Taste in Barking, Deptford, Birmingham, Stockholm, Bangkok, New York and Whitstable in 3D Vensound.

Bill was played by Bill Clift
Dave - Shane Attwooll
Carl - Mark Arden
Ethel/Ethelburga - Kerry Enright
Frieda/Freya - Sarah Lonton
Viv/Vivien/Gloria and The Parrot were all voiced by Fenella Fudge
The Narrator - Amanda Homi.
The Missus - Anita Dobson.
Jason Statham was played...
Spaceman Jack - Roy Harter.
Odin - Christopher Brand.
Barry The Burglar - Nick Wilton.
TV Announcer - Daniel Norcross.
Imam Amir - Aatiff Nawaz.
Chance - Kenyon Phillips.
Sir Mortimer Planno - Daniel Whalgren.
The Dave - Dave MacDonnald.
The Carpet Salesman - Steve Graham.
Julius Ceasar - Ron Emslie.
Carl’s Mum - Liza Marsh.
Cindy Wachowski - Fiona Foster.
Children’s Choir - Lyla Attwooll.
The Archbishop and Oddman - David Barratt.
The Vikings were played by John Rogers and Harry Feeney-Barratt.

All music played by Men With Ven.

Additional Songwriters - Bryn Burrows, Neville Farmer, Terry Radigan, Phil Johnstone, Rev Hammer & Papa Dee.

Additional musicians & singers - Bryn Burrows, Justin Mitchel, Jenny Woodall, John Woodall, Isobel Kimberley, Gary Schreiner, Neville Farmer, Jody Porter, Ava Attwooll, Poonam Gupte, Geoff Wooley, Ronnie Rumble, Kat Parker, Phil Johnstone, Terry Radigan & Papa Dee.

Artwork: Chris How
Dedicated to Frances Spring & Rene Marston

One animal was harmed in the making of this musical.
SFX Parrot Dying

Goodnight, Good-afternoon or good-morning wherever you are. And remember: Always be good to your mother.