NARRATOR
Previously on Men With Ven - Driving From Barking To Deptford

GLORIA
Re-Routing.
The first rule of time-travel is “Don’t Bother”. No matter how you meddle in the past, you inevitably wind up creating the present you are currently inhabiting and probably hoping to avoid.

Re-Routing.

THE BANKS OF THE RUBICON
A solo Roman trumpet plays the theme BARKING TO DEPTFORD

JULIUS CEASAR
I, Gaius Julius Caesar, Statesman, General, Leader of The 13th Legion, Governor of Gaul, Emperor of Rome and all the known world stand before Jupiter naked, humble full of grace and thanks.

I have never told what went through my mind the night before I led The 13th across The Rubicon and took control of Rome.

I was camped with my brave men on the banks of that fateful river and was sleeping fitfully. A filthy white horseless chariot with a vile smelling cloud of smoke emanating from its rear, the like of which I have never seen before or since appeared before me. I could not tell if I was still in my dream or if the gods had sent me a vision, such was it’s strange clarity.

From the chariot climbed down three men.
They called to me:

BILL, DAVE & CARL
“Oy Julie,

BILL
Where do you think you going?”

JULIUS CEASAR
Their bluntness shocked me but their standing was so strange and other worldly that I explained to them my predicament of how by crossing this river in front of me I would be starting a civil war of epic proportions, the like of which would have repercussions beyond my imagining.

I spoke to them about my concerns...
About attempting to invade Rome with only one legion of men.
About the doubts of myself as a leader.
My doubts about myself as a man.

Their humble, yet wise demeanor gave me a freedom to express myself without fear of ridicule.
When I finished I was on the verge of tears.
I was trembling with frustration and fear.

A moment of silence passed between us.
One of the strange men spoke.

DAVE
If you’re going south of the river you better go tooled up mate.
Because they are nasty, inbred, neck-less bastards down there.
And they don’t take no prisoners.
Know what I mean?

JULIUS CEASAR
I knew exactly what they meant.
It was my duty.
My destiny.
My glory.
Rome and the Empire would be mine.
As they were climbing into their chariot I asked one of them of their unearthly mode of transportation.

CARL
What?
Our Van?
She’s called Gloria.
She’s not been very well lately so we call her Sick Transit Gloria.
You can have that one if you want.

JULIUS CEASAR
Sic Transit Gloria.
Thus passes the glory of the world.
My mind was set.
The die was cast.
Rome would be mine.
Theme Music begins.

SONG: DRIVING FROM BARKING TO DEPTFORD

NARRATOR
Men With Ven - Driving From Barking To Deptford.
Chapter three:
Sic Transit Gloria.

CHORUS
Sic Transit Gloria
In her they’ve been near and far
She’s a five gear, four wheeled superstar
Driving from Barking to Deptford.

NARRATOR
Life is largely violence, filth and death and drink...
and meeting your nemesis in the Blackwall Tunnel.

INT VAN: CANNING TOWN

SFX:Music “Marijuana & Bacon” instrumental

DAVE
Nice.
Where are my sunnies?

BILL
If you’re done faffing about Dave, shall we go or do you want to check your lipstick...

DAVE
Oy, I always get us there...

BILL
Not always, what about last Monday?

DAVE
Yeah, well you drive like my Nan.

BILL
What about when you got us lost on the way to Glastonbury.
I mean Somerset?
Slight sound of sickness from Dave

CARL
(aside to Bill)
Nice one Bill.

DAVE
What you say?

BILL
Nothing mate, it’s all good.
It’s all good.

DAVE
(slightly dazed)
Yeah... alright... what was I saying?

CARL
Focus Dave. Just drive. It’ll be alright.

INT: SPOTTED DOG PUB BARKING
We hear a phone ringing

ETHEL
Pick up Jack...

SPACEMAN JACK
Hello S.J. Motors

ETHEL
Jack?
What’s happening?

SPACEMAN JACK
All goodly good down here.
How be things on The Planet Dog?

ETHEL
Did you get the boys sorted?

SPACEMAN JACK
They’re pretty cool guys.
They’re gonna be just fine.
They’re gonna be A ok…

ETHEL
Yes, but the charter?

SPACEMAN JACK
No Problem kid.
And fitted them out nicely with a LightSpeedO’Meter just like you said.

ETHEL
What are you talking about Jack?

SPACEMAN JACK
Talking about what you were talking about:
A LightSpeedO’Meter.

ETHEL
No Jack.
Lights.
And.
Speedometer...
This is what I said.

SPACEMAN JACK
Oh Ooh Oooh I guess they got a little more than you bargained for, but they are real amiable guys.

ETHEL
You do have the charter right?

SPACEMAN JACK
Kinda.

ETHEL
What do you mean?

SPACEMAN JACK
I do not have the charter.

ETHEL
What?

SPACEMAN JACK
No ma’am.
I got me here a copy of The Big Issue.
Very enlightening articles... I was reading about...

ETHEL (INTERRUPTING)
Jack... I don’t believe this.
Where’s the charter?

SPACEMAN JACK
That, my little lady, appears to be the big issue now.

ETHEL
This is a catastrophe.

SPACEMAN JACK
Guess it’s a good thing I gave them the ‘Full Special’ too.

ETHEL
Jack you what?

SPACEMAN JACK
Cordial guys.

ETHEL
Jack!

SPACEMAN JACK
They bought me pie and mash...

ETHEL
Oh Jack... what have you done?

SPACEMAN JACK
...with liquor from Mo’s.

ETHEL
I’ve gotta go
(clicks phone off)

ETHEL
Viv. Wake up.
VIV
Wha..??

ETHEL
I need a favour.

VIV
Ohh..

INT: FRIEDA’S OFFICE BERMODSEY

ODDMAN
Krrrrrrr... hrngggg... bggrrrrr

FRIEDA
Don’t worry Oddman, I’ll get you to the old peoples home on time. I know how much you enjoy playing your musical ditties for the old dears and I know how much they appreciate you.

ODDMAN
Mrrr... wr..wrrrr...

FRIEDA
I agree, it’s not like the old days when people were toiling the fields.
They were much happier then knowing their what their lives meant.
Nowadays everyone suffers from those twin maladies - Ambition and Disappointment.
Take away their ambition and the disappointment fades away.

ODDMAN
yrrr...

SONG: THE OMELETTE SONG

FRIEDA
All they have are their base desires which if they are not controlled will destroy them. Reward - punishment, punishment , reward. Oh the little loves. You’ve got to protect them from themselves haven’t you?
Bass trombone starts

FRIEDA
Well, we all need a bit of guidance, sometimes a bit of encouragement. It might be a whisper in your shell like... It might be a short sharp shock.

Oh you’ve got to break an egg to make an omelette
You have to break a leg before it mends
Hacking back a hedge is bound to make it grow
If your teeth need extracting I’m the first to have a go

Not only can I lead a horse to water
You better believe I can force the bugger to drink
Well you gotta break a couple of eggs
To make a tasty omelette
And I don’t give a monkey’s what you think

I’m like a personal trainer delivering personal justice personally

Occasionally you have to set examples
It’s the only language they will understand
The greater good is served
When you keep them in their place
Sometimes you have to leave a scar
Upon somebodies face

And if you have to kill a family member
In front of all their rotten screaming brats
Well you gotta break a couple of eggs
To make a tasty omelette
It’s that simple and you’ve got to face the facts
When a cuddle just ain’t working try a smack
Do as your told, everyone’s happy, that is that.

ODDMAN
yrrr...

INT: THE SPOTTED DOG

SFX: We hear the phone ringing.

ETHEL
C’mon Carl pick up. Pick up pick up pick up.

SFX: Back to sound of bar.

ETHEL
Viv?

VIV
Huh?

ETHEL
Can I borrow your car?

VIV
Yeah... I’ll drive.

ETHEL
You’re too drunk.

VIV
Fair enough.
Can I watch you drive?

ETHEL
Fine...

INT: THE VAN APPROACHING BLACKWALL TUNNEL

SFX: a very psychedelic dub sound

GLORIA
Approaching Blackwall tunnel
No time remaining.
Do not look at the clock.
Time is infinite - neither an event nor a thing.

BILL
What is she going on about?

DAVE
I don't feel right Bill.

GLORIA
Time is not measurable nor travelable.
It is a sensation.
A judgement.

DAVE
I feel really wobbly

CARL
He must have heard you Bill.
You know not to mention the “G” word..

DAVE (to himself)
I was at Glastonbury once during the 2nd Gulf war.
I was surrounded by what could only be termed as hippies...

CARL
It’s OK Dave…

DAVE
Old hippies.
Young Hippies.
Fat hippies.
Thin hippies.
Baby hippies in hippie buggies pushed by erect overly nippled hippie mummies in hi-hugging trip hop skiffies.

BILL
Dave - Breathe into this paper bag and imagine you are on the beach at Southend!

DAVE
Yuppie hippies.
Slap happy hippies.
Non-Hippies disguised as hippies always smiling at other hippies.
Stoned hippies eating hippie food made out of home made natural fibres, drowning in their own day- glow face paint, knitting solar panels out if their own organic poo.

Millions and billions and zillions of hippies.

CARL
Calm down Dave - Try thinking about football.

DAVE
I was being sucked into a hippie black hole.

BILL
DAVE!
DAVE.....

DAVE
I was in a hippie apocalypse.

CARL
There’s only two things that can calm him down when he gets like this.

BILL & CARL (sung)
Marijuana Bacon
Marijuana And Marijuana and Bacon.

BILL
Carl, underneath the seat.
Emergency joint now.

CARL
Right mate, I got it right here.

BILL
Dave, spark this fat boy up, smoke it and for God’s sake chill!

CARL
Pork’s what you need when you smoke that weed

GLORIA
Time is a matter of debate.
How much time are you going to take?
Hold on a minute.

INT. VIV’S CAR.DAY
FX traffic jam on the Barking Road.

ETHEL (ANNOYED)
Viv, this is ridiculous, all these road works.
We’re getting nowhere.

VIV
Look!
Over there.
Toy shop.

ETHEL
What?
VIV
Next to The Chicken Shop.

ETHEL
The Chicken Shack?

VIV
No. The other side. Next to The Chicken Palace....

ETHEL (UNIMPRESSED)
Oh right.

VIV
I had a doll of The Queen when I was a kid.
My mum loved the royal family.

ETHEL
Right.

VIV
I hated them.

ETHEL
I hate this traffic.

VIV
Age of chivalry, my arse.
They all knew about it.

ETHEL
All I know is I have to be there.

VIV
Guinevere tried to put a stop to it, bless her.
Then them spin minstrels started spreading fake myths about her and Lancelot.

ETHEL
Whatever Viv.

VIV
Bunch of spoilt trustafarians high on mead and magic.
They’re the ones that put the nob in nobility.

ETHEL
Maybe it’s time for a little nap eh Viv?
It wont be long now.

VIV
Zzz....

INT.VAN CLOSE TO BLACKWALL TUNNEL

SFX: Radio Interference

RADIO
Animals transformed into other beasts
Crops grew from dust.
Flowers bloomed at will and each night exhausted she fell into the arms of her teacher, her friend, her master and lover.

On one summer evening the old dead tree...

BILL
Turn that rubbish off Carl.
Dave’s in trouble here.

SFX - Radio Interference
Trippy SFX - Discordant orchestral noise… drafting into the rhythm track of “Marijuana and Bacon”

SONG: MARIJUANA & BACON IN DUB PT2

GLORIA
What do your senses tell you?

BILL
C’om on Dave.
Snap out of it.

GLORIA
Awareness may be focused...

BILL
Chin up.

GLORIA
...on an internal, visceral state.

BILL
That spliff should be kicking in any second now.

GLORIA
What is in your optic array?

BILL
You’ll be alright.

BILL & CARL
Marijuana
Bacon.
Marijuana, marijuana and bacon

DAVE
Pork - get me pork…

CARL
That’s not such a bad idea.

DAVE
That bacon sandwich…
There….
Give… it… to.. me…..

BILL
Oww, I don’t think you should eat that mate.
It looks a tiny bit past it’s sell by date, if you know what I mean.

MO (in hallucination)
Yo Dave. Dave!
This is Mo talking.
Don’t touch that foul meat.
Dave.

DAVE
Mo? Is that you?

BILL
There’s no one there Dave.
There’s no one there mate.

CARL
Bill.. The bacon sandwich could work.

Cortical feedback projections to the main olfactory bulb crucially regulate food intake via CB1 receptor signaling, linking the feeling of hunger to stronger odor processing. Thus, CB1 receptor–dependent control of cortical feedback projections in olfactory circuits couples internal states to perception and behavior.

Isn’t that amazing?

DAVE
Wow...

BILL & CARL
Marijuana Bacon
Marijuana And Marijuana and Bacon

DAVE
I feel a bit better now

BILL & CARL
Marijuana Bacon
Marijuana And Marijuana and Bacon

BILL
That’s more like it. Look at him.

BILL & CARL
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon

CARL
Pork’s what y’need when you smoke that weed.

BILL & CARL
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon

DAVE
I love that marijuana

BILL, DAVE & CARL
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon

CARL
Pork’s what y’need when you smoke that weed.

BILL, DAVE & CARL
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon

DAVE
PORK!
Oh my word.
Oh, I feel so much better.
Thank you so much.

BILL
Never underestimate the power of a perfectly timed bacon sandwich.

SFX: sound of the van revving up

DAVE
Right! That is it.
We are driving through The Blackwall Tunnel.

PARROT
Who’s a pretty boy then?

GLORIA
Do not look back.
Your direction is chosen.
Recalculating.

SFX: Van speeding off

INT.FRIEDA’S.OFFICE

FX Phone ring tone

FRIEDA
Don’t know what Dave thinks he’s on, but he better call me back soon. If he thinks he can mess me around...

ODDMAN
Grrr aagh

FREIDA
I know Oddman, I know but I do worry.

ODDMAN
Grrr aagh?

FREIDA
Oh my love, yes it has been a long time, and I couldn’t have got through it without you by my side.
When I think back... you were quite the catch you know.

ODDMAN
Grrr aagh hgoooo!

FREIDA
(laughs) Oh Oddman, you’re as saucy as ever.

ODDMAN
Grrr aagh ghrrr aagh

FRIEDA
You are so right, No time to lose and no point in living in the past..

ODDMAN
Grrr aagh

FREIDA
Exactly, we’ve got devastation to plan and havoc to reek.
Oh... and your little concert for the old folk at Hillside View.
Aww bless.

INT. VAN.DAY

GLORIA
Approaching Blackwall Tunnel.
Unexpected interruptions due.
Reassessing position.
Interferences may be created unreasonably.
These are a by-product of human processing,
Fasten your seat-belts.

CARL
(from back of van)
‘ere, have you seen what’s back here? Amazing.

BILL
Stop messing about Carl.

CARL
There’s tons of stuff: full on
Star Wars type stuff and all sorts.

DAVE
What’s he on about?

CARL
I’ve always wanted one of these.
FX sword being unsheathed.

CARL
Always fancied myself as a bit of a Samurai.

BILL
You what?

DAVE
I see you more as a Ninja Turtle Carl.

CARL
Why do think he put all this gubbins in here?

DAVE
Best not to look a gift horse in the arse, Carl.

CARL
Looks like we are more tooled up than Vlad The Impailer.

BILL
I don’t like this. Can we go any faster?

DAVE
Nothing I can do, Bill, it’s back to back Mondeo drivers.

INT: HILLSIDE VIEW HOME FOR THE ELDERLY
We hear oddman warming up his voice for his show

FRIEDA
Oh beautiful
Beautiful darling you are going to be great.
Oh Lovely.
That is so sexy - your making me feel sexy.

FRIEDA
Oddman, we just made it.
Go on my dear.
Your public awaits...

ANNOUNCER
Is this on?

SFX: Announcer bangs mic 3 times

ANNOUNCER
Welcome to The Hillside View Home For The Elderly, here in beautiful downtown Bermondsey.

As you known we like to bring you relaxing leisure activities on a regular basis at Hillside View and today is no exception.

You’ve saw ‘em here a while back when they gave you some gorgeous entertainment that took you back to your youth and we have no doubt they will do the same today.

So...

Rattle your zimmer frames and bang your sticks, TURN UP YOU HEARING AIDS:
THE BASTARD SONS OF SAVILE featuring ODDMAN!!!! Yeaaaaahhhhhh.....
Crowd go mad. Band starts horrific death metal with wordless screaming from Oddman.

SONG: THE BASTARD SONS OF SAVILLE
The music transforms from a violent heavy metal sound to an ambient texture as we enter Frieda’s mind and we hear her thinking to herself.

FRIEDA (V/O)
He came to me whole: with flaws and scars and everything considered broken.
But what I saw was galaxies in his eyes and fire in his hair.
I saw journeys in his hands and adventure in his smile.

I saw him absolutely, maddeningly, irrevocably PERFECT.

Aww.. Listen to him.
The drone is taken over by the band again.
We hear Oddman screaming over a vicious heavy metal noise
Frieda (V/O)
I love him.

INT.VAN.DAY

GLORIA
Entering Blackwall Tunnel.
Expect the unexpected.
Prepare to be unprepared.
Bill’s phone rings it’s the ringtone of “You Got Me There”

CARL
Are you going to be answering that Bill?

DAVE
I’d let that one go to voice mail mate.

BILL
Nah, It’ll be fine, I’ll be double quick....
Picks up

BILL
Hello...

SONG: YOU GOT ME THERE PT2

THE MISSUS
When are you going to grow up?

BILL
I might be a bit late but I’ll be there.

THE MISSUS
You’re going down the pub with Dave and Carl arn’t you?

BILL
No, something cropped up

THE MISSUS
Every time you….

BILL
No, no it’s not like that. Gloria broke down.

THE MISSUS
She always breaks down you should send her to the knackers yard
BILL
No, this bloke Jack fixed her. You wouldn’t believe…

THE MISSUS
I don’t believe….

BILL
Believe.
Believe me.
We saw Carls’s mum.

THE MISSUS (CONCERNED)
Oh Bill, are you ok?

BILL
We are just about to go into the Blackwall Tunnel…
Signal is going all dodgy…
I love you… bye…

THE MISSUS
Bill?
Bill?
Be careful.

FX - massive whooshing sound, ambient drone.

GLORIA
Entering Blackwall Tunnel.
Expect the unexpected.
Prepare to be unprepared

DAVE
Woah...

CARL
Now this is interesting.

BILL
I’ve never seen The Blackwall Tunnel look like this before?

FX van stops.

GLORIA
Satellites lost.
Reconfiguring.
Please remain calm and think outside the tunnel.

BILL
It’s huge.
Where’s all the traffic gone?
How do we get out of here?

GLORIA
There is no alternate route.
This road is closed for Human Traffic.

BILL
We could be stuck here all night.

DAVE
So where do we go Bill?
Narnia?
Middle Earth?

BILL
Well I know where we are going now?

DAVE
Where?

BILL
I’ll tell you where..

DAVE
Where?

BILL
Nowhere.

DAVE
Huh?
BILL
That’s where.

DAVE
What.

BILL
You wanna know where Dave?

DAVE
Where?

BILL
NOWHERE!!

DAVE
Oh..

BILL
I’m sick of this.
We’re lost and I’m gonna be late for The Missus.

CARL
I think there may be more pressing issues than that Bill.

GLORIA
Please drive slowly near crowds.

INT.VIV’S CAR.DAY

VIV
(Snoring)

ETHEL
I’ll never forgive myself if anything happens to Carl... and the others.

VIV
They used to call him Merlin the molester round Camelot.

ETHEL
We’d be there if it wasn’t for this one way system.

VIV
Their system was to sweep it under the Round Table ‘case it spoil their image.

ETHEL
I will not let ‘em down.

VIV
Old Beardyweirdy in his pointy hat, he ran that school for sorcery like a knights’ harem.

ETHEL
I don’t know what you’re on about Viv. All I know is I will..

SONG: BE THERE

ETHEL
Be There
Be there in the end
I will be there
On that you can depend

I say a little prayer
He could never comprehend
But I will be there
Be there in the end

ETHEL
Here we go Viv - Blackwall tunnel.
IN VAN IN THE BLACKWALL TUNNEL

BILL
...I just want to get out of here back to Deptford and see The Missus.
DAVE (False Bravado)
Don’t worry about it, mate.
Remember the sheep rustling incident?
That turned out alright didn’t it?
You didn’t think that driving to Wales throwing a bunch of sheep in the van and selling them to Harry The Halal would work did you?
It was a bit messy but it was a great pay day wasn’t it?
It’s all going to be fine...

BILL
There is a bit of difference between nicking a few sheep and taking a time machine full of weapons we don’t understand into ...

CARL
Watch out..

SFX - Two thumps of the van driving over a human body.

DAVE
Christ!
We just hit something.

SFX - Screech of brakes. Slam of doors as Bill Dave & Carl jump out of van.

BILL
Hello mate...
You alright?

DAVE
Is he alright?!
He’s just been run over by two tons of Gloria!

CARL
He must have been completely out of it.
He’s dressed up like a Viking.
Probably went to a fancy dress party or something and got lost.
I bet that outfit cost a bit.

DAVE (DERISIVELY)
Banker.

BILL
Almost certainly.
Suddenly, they stop moving towards him as the body moans and moves.

CARL
He’s coming round.
The Viking starts to sit up and groans

DAVE
Who says alcohol is bad for you?
We hear a high pitched scream of a woman running towards the Viking. It’s Ethel.

CARL
Ethel..
We hear Ethel grab a crow bar and begin to batter the Viking.

ETHEL
Aaaaaaaaaaagh

FX Viking being bludgeoned to death

BILL
Oi. Ethel!
What are you doing?
Hold on girl.

ETHEL
EEeeeeee Aagh

FX Continued bludgeoning

ETHEL
Aagh

FX: Bludgeon bludgeon bludgeon.

ETHEL
Gagh.. Gagh.. Gagh..

She seems possessed continuing to batter his head to a pulp for a long time after he is dead. There is an awkward silence as she wipes the sweat and blood from her face.

ETHEL
‘Ello boys.

BILL DAVE & CARL
Err... yeah hello...

Carl’s immediate instinct is to protect Ethel. He rushes forward to her.

CARL
Look, it’s all right, Eth...
We can get you out of here.
The Filth don’t have to know about this.
Get in the van.
I’ll take care of ... We’ll take care of you.
We hear Ethel breathing deeply. She is calm now but the anger is present as she whispers:

ETHEL
I hate Vikings.

CARL
Ethel…

ETHEL
I’m not Ethel... Well... Not the Ethel you know.

CARL
Are you alright, love?

ETHEL
No,
I’m not alright Carl, and I’ve not been alright for 1000 years.
I think you’ve woken up god knows how many Vikings.
And I’ve got to kill them before they rampage through London and heaven knows where else.

CARL
(To Dave quietly)
She’s having some sort of breakdown.
She really needs some help..

DAVE
(Under his breath)
Yep. Specialised, sectioned, straight jacketed, padded cell kinda help.

CARL
It’s alright, Eth. It’s not that bad.

ETHEL
Oh yes, it is that bad, and worse than that.
But Dave is right.
I do need help and I am making a sacred request for you three to help me.

Can you do that?

OUTRO SONG: BARKING TO DEPTFORD

MEN WITH VEN
The Blackwell Tunnel is a scary place.
Not a place you want to show your face.
Better go tooled up just in case.
Driving from Barking to Deptford